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Matinee Melee: No love for 'Love Guru'

By: Holly Leber
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By: Casey Phillips
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Casey Phillips: This film is tripe. It’s rare for me to hate a movie so much that I contemplate following the “in case of fire” advice and find the nearest exit mid-flick (the last time was for “Dragon Wars”), but “Love Guru’s” combination of horrible acting, childish, never-ending references to a certain part of the male anatomy and an incredibly kitschy plot nearly made me bolt. Unfortunately, we were on the clock, so I had to stick it out.

Holly Leber: It really was unforgivably bad. I literally yelled “thank God!” as the movie ended. This is the first time Mike Myers has appeared on the big screen since 2003’s “The Cat in the Hat” (though he’s voiced Shrek), and it’s an unwelcome return. So many elements of the film were just disturbing, from Myers’ head superimposed on a scrawny teenage boy’s body to elephant pornography. Anyone involved with the making of “Love Guru” should lose whatever Guild cards they have. In our defense, the movie theater broke the film of, or had some technical issue with, “Get Smart” and we were forced to see this based on time constraints. I want my money back.

Casey: Normally, I can make concessions for a film based on its intended audience, but I honestly can’t lower my opinion of teenagers that much. Not only is it offensive to my cinematic tastes (a guard rooster ... really?), even I found it offensive to Eastern theological and philosophical teachings by essentially turning millennia-old beliefs into obscene acronyms. Oh yeah, and there was the aforementioned (and prolonged) pachyderm sex scene. Somebody should give the censors at the Motion Picture Association of America a Red Bull or something because PG-13 doesn’t quite cut it here. On a side note, the film clearly rips off the plot of 2002’s “The Guru,” which, despite being less than stellar, looks like cinematic gold in comparison.

Holly: Let’s also not forget the raping of several pop songs. I think Dolly Parton’s head exploded at the rendition of “9 to 5” that played over the opening credits. Justin Timberlake as mustachioed hockey goalie Jacques “Le Coq” Grande was aesthetically horrid and offensive to anyone who has ever been to Canada, much less actual Canadians. Why do pop stars think they can act? He needs to stick to music videos if he wants to be on screen. And he can take Jessica Alba with him. The expression ‘just stand there and look pretty’ really applies to her. Even Mariska Hargitay, who allowed the producers of “The Love Guru” to use her name as Guru Pitka’s latterday “namaste” and appeared in a brief cameo, should be ashamed.

Casey: One would think Alba would have sworn off comedies after last year’s unfunniest-movie-of-the-year winner “Good Luck Chuck,” but no she didn’t, and with all the comedic timing of a mannequin, she manages to push “The Love Guru” even deeper into depravity. Coincidentally, her kiss (yes, there’s only one) with Myers may actually have killed kittens, it was so unromantic. It looked a lot like two Barbie dolls being banged together by an over-caffeinated toddler. I’m also considering rescinding my previously flattering comments about Romany Malco’s contributions to “Baby Mama” because of his participation in this mess. This film gives shame a bad name (and no, that rhyme was not intentional).

Holly: Director Marco Schnabel should never be allowed to make a movie again. I generally believe in second chances, but this is an exception. “The Love Guru” makes “Made of Honor” (readers of this column may recall the ultra-flattering take I had on that particular film) look like “It Happened One Night.” It’s a shoo-in to sweep the Razzies (annual awards for the worst movie of the year). In closing, let me quote from people who have watched more bad movies than probably anyone — the robots of “Mystery Science Theater 3000:”

“What do you think the lesson of the movie was?”

“Don’t watch it.”

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