I am both fascinated and intimidated by these new $3 car washes popping up around Chattanooga.
First, the fascination part.
If you haven't seen one of these places, they flog your car with giant fettuccine noodles. Then they blast the water off with jets of air so strong that it feels like your car is straining to emerge from a birth canal.
What's more, $3 is officially part of their name, which gives you this nice feeling that they are immune to inflation.
At the urging of my young children, my family decided to put our Subaru station wagon through a $3 Car Wash last Saturday. (A sweep of newsroom sources confirms that there's now a $3 Car Wash on nearly every main drag in town.)
This is where the intimidation part starts.
I have a phobia about drive-throughs -- drive-though restaurants, drive-through banks, drive-through anythings. Any place that requires me to roll down a car window and engage in commerce, while my wife and children heckle me, makes me crazy.
As I eased up to the automated pay machine, the $3 Car Wash tried to confirm my "membership," which only heightened my paranoia. Nobody told me you had to be a "member" to get a $3 Car Wash, for gosh sakes.
"Just ignore that, baby" my wife said. "That's some kind of discount club. Just swipe your debit card."
I swiped my card and waited. "YOUR CARD HAS BEEN DENIED," the screen flashed ominously.
"Now what," I said, turning to my wife in a panic. "Jail? Community service? What?"
"You had the card upside down," she said, frowning.
By this time, my 7-year-old had joined the heckling.
"Daddy doesn't know how to wash a car," he said, sing-song.
As I eased up to the entrance to the car wash the smiling attendant started flashing me urgent hand signals like a third-base coach.
"What is he doing," I said, my voice rising hysterically.
"He's telling you to put the car in neutral," my wife explained, reaching over to adjust the shifter.
"Oh," I said.
Suddenly, the attended began pointing to my cap.
"Now what," I said. "You have to take your cap off to go through the $3 Car Wash? I'm inside the car. What kind of crazy rule is that?"
"He's just having fun," my wife explained. "He sees you've got a Steelers cap on. He's got a Dallas Cowboys hat on."
"Oh," I said. Now, I was officially fuming.
As we emerged from the $3 Car Wash, my friend with the Cowboys hat was there to wave us goodbye.
I slowly rolled down the window and smiled.
"Get back to me when your boys get six (Super Bowl) rings," I said smugly, rolling up my window before he could respond.
Now, he was the one who looked slightly confused. And I drove away feeling 100 percent better.
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I'm a little more frugal than a drive thru car wash- I always use the hand wand type. For around a buck or so you can get anything from a quick wash to a scrub wash and wax, all with the use of muscle power of course. Some wash then park to cloth dry. I prefer to air dry and sometimes drive around to make sure the last bead of water is gone.
Now that Mr. Kennedy has been baptized in the car wash, he will become a regular customer. It's painless, easy, and not expensive to drive around in a reasonably clean car in Chattanooga. Now if there were just some way to clean the inside of these dirty windows...
I have been a regular customer since the one on Hwy 153 opened. In the past I was always satisfied with the results.Lately I have noticed that they have speeded up the process and all the water is not blown off my car. Spotting results from this rushing the job. I may have to start using one of the many hand wash srevices that have begun to pop up around town.
In the winter time the $3 deal will get the ugly grime off when we have long term bad weather.I can at least see through my windows.
I went to the one on Hwy 153 today and it smelled like an open sewer. This is the second time I've experienced this. I ask the young woman there when they'll have the problem solved. She replied "How should I know" You can bet it will be my last time there.