published Friday, August 19th, 2011

Laugh Lines

Hail to the chief

According to Daniel Kurtzman at politicalhumor.about.com, Aug. 11 was Presidential Joke Day. Rather than a day to make wisecracks about the president ("that's the other 364 days," Kurtzman says), this is a day to salute presidents with a sense of humor.

Here's a sampling from the site:

  • "When they call the roll in the Senate, the Senators do not know whether to answer 'present' or 'not guilty.' " -- President Teddy Roosevelt

  • "Being president is like running a cemetery: You've got a lot of people under you, and nobody's listening." -- President Bill Clinton

  • "These stories about my intellectual capacity really get under my skin. You know, for a while I even thought my staff believed it. There on my schedule first thing every morning it said, 'Intelligence Briefing.' " -- President George W. Bush

Bear trap

Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward him. The hunter dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could.

He ran pretty fast, but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat. Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.

The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another one!"

Just the ticket

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.

They all board the train. The accountants take their seats, but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please."

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The accountants see this and agree it is quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.

When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom, and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

That's some excuse

These are said to be actual excuse notes sent in to schools by parents.

  • Please excuse John for being absent Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and 33.

  • Mary could not go to school because she was bothered by very close veins.

  • Ralph was absent yesterday because of a sour throat.

  • Please excuse Joey Friday. He had loose vowels.

  • Please excuse Joyce from jim today.

  • Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. He fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

  • Karl was hit yesterday playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

  • John was absent yesterday because he had a stomach.

  • Please excuse Gloria. She has been sick and under the doctor.

  • My son will have to get out of school as soon as I call the orthodontist, one of his wrie's is brusted and sticking in his gum's.

  • Please excuse Sarah from being absent yesterday. She was sick and I had her shot.

  • My son is under the doctor's care and should not take P.E. Please execute him.

  • Irving was absent this morning because he missed his bust.

  • Please excuse Johnny for being. It was his father's fault.

Anything but that

A student comes to a young professor's office after hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door and kneels before him.

"I would do anything to pass this exam," she pleads.

She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean ..." she whispers, "... I would do ... anything."

He returns her gaze. "Anything?"

"Anything."

His voice softens. "Anything?"

"Absolutely anything."

His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you ... study?"

Just remember

  • To be a first-grade teacher you have to have skill, dedication and an immunity to knock-knock jokes.

  • School is where you always try to do your best, except when your friends are watching.

  • The best part of going back to school is seeing all your friends. The worst part is that your teachers won't let you talk to them.

Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.

about Lisa Denton...

Lisa Denton is deputy features editor and content editor of Current. She previously was a lifestyle, entertainment and region reporter/pod leader for The Chattanooga Times, which she joined in 1983. Lisa is from Sale Creek and holds an associate’s degree in journalism from Chattanooga State Community College. Contact Lisa at 423-757-6281 or ldenton@timesfreepress.com.

Comments do not represent the opinions of the Chattanooga Times Free Press, nor does it review every comment. Profanities, slurs and libelous remarks are prohibited. For more information you can view our Terms & Conditions and/or Ethics policy.
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