published Friday, December 23rd, 2011

Laugh Lines

Wrong answer

A married couple had been out shopping at the mall for most of the afternoon when the wife realized that her husband had disappeared.

Somewhat irate, she called her husband's cellphone and demanded: "Where the heck are you?"

He said, "Darling, do you remember that jewelry shop we were in a while back where you totally fell in love with that big diamond necklace, and I didn't have the money to buy it, but I told you, 'Baby, that will be yours one day'?"

Softening, the woman, said, "Of course, I remember that, my love.

He said, "Well, I'm in the bar next to that store."

Word to the wise

When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes for Christmas.

Look, look

Jimmy got a brand new bike for Christmas.

Showing off for his sister, he whizzed down a hill, yelling, "Look, Tina, no hands!"

As the bike picked up more speed, he yelled, "Look, Tina, no feet!"

As he crashed into the back of a bus, he yelled, "Nooook, Ina, no teef!"

Entering heaven

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by St. Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season," St. Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates," St. Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."

St. Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates."

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "They're Carol's."

Um, thanks?

Suggested responses for those gifts you don't really want:

* I really don't deserve this.

* To think I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity.

* Sadly, tomorrow I enter the federal witness protection program.

* I love it, but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.

* If the dog buries it, I'll be furious.

* Gosh, I hope this never catches fire.

* Perfect for wearing in the basement.

* Boy, if I had not recently shot up four sizes, this would have fit.

* Well, well, well ...

* Hey, there's a gift.

Get it straight

Dear Santa,

My Christmas wish is for a fat bank account and a thin body. Please don't mix these up like you did last year.

Time for bed

It's the night before Christmas and a father and son are winding down to bedtime by playing with toy cars. The father has a police car and pretends to pull over the car the boy is playing with.

"Do you have a driver's license?" asks the father.

"No," says the boy.

"Are you resisting arrest?" he asks.

The boy says, "No, but I'm not sleepy at all."

They said it

* I made a terrible mistake last Christmas. My wife made me swear that I wouldn't give her a fancy gift. And I didn't. -- Milton Berle

* The best stocking stuffer is a human leg. -- Norm Macdonald

* You know you're getting old when Santa starts looking younger. -- Robert Paul

* Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall. -- Larry Wilde

* "There's nothing sadder in the world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child." -- Erma Bombeck

* "And the Grinch, with his Grinch-feet ice cold in the snow, stood puzzling and puzzling, how could it be so? It came without ribbons. It came without tags. It came without packages, boxes or bags. And he puzzled and puzzled 'til his puzzler was sore. Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before. What if Christmas, he thought, doesn't come from a store. What if Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more." -- Dr. Seuss

Gift suggestions

To your enemy, forgiveness.

To an opponent, tolerance.

To a friend, your heart.

To a customer, service.

To all, charity.

To every child, a good example.

To yourself, respect.

-- Oren Arnold

Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including readers submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.

about Lisa Denton...

Lisa Denton is deputy features editor and content editor of Current. She previously was a lifestyle, entertainment and region reporter/pod leader for The Chattanooga Times, which she joined in 1983. Lisa is from Sale Creek and holds an associate’s degree in journalism from Chattanooga State Community College. Contact Lisa at 423-757-6281 or ldenton@timesfreepress.com.

Comments do not represent the opinions of the Chattanooga Times Free Press, nor does it review every comment. Profanities, slurs and libelous remarks are prohibited. For more information you can view our Terms & Conditions and/or Ethics policy.
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