published Friday, December 30th, 2011

Laugh Lines

New Year's wish

On New Year's Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local bar and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.

Well, it was kind of embarrassing. As the clock struck, the bartender was almost crushed to death.

Lecture tour

On New Year's Eve, Roger was in no shape to drive, so he left his van in the parking lot and walked home. As he wobbled along, he was stopped by the police.

"What are you doing out here at 4 o'clock in the morning?" asked the police officer.

"I'm on my way to a lecture," Roger answered.

"Who on Earth is going to give a lecture at this time on New Year's Eve?" the office inquired sarcastically.

"My wife," said Roger.

Old habits

  • The trouble with jogging is that the ice falls out of your glass.
  • When I thought about the evils of drinking in the New Year, I gave up thinking.

You might have a hangover if:

  • You continue to tell your room to "Stay still."
  • Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the same reaction as drinking a glass of fresh paint.
  • The bathroom reminds you of the fairground cry, "Step right up and give it whirl!"
  • You'd rather chew tacks than be exposed to sunlight.
  • You set aside an entire afternoon to spend some quality time with your toilet.
  • You replace the traditional praying on your knees with the more feasible praying in a fetal position.

Quiet commands

The wife said to her husband, "Honey, my New Year's resolution is to stop telling you what to do all the time.

"So this year," she continued, "I've written down your resolutions for you."

Butt ... butt ...

At a New Year's party, Peter turns to his friend, Ken, and asks for a cigarette.

"I thought you made a New Year's resolution to quit smoking," Ken says.

"I'm in the process of quitting," Peter replies with a grin. "Right now, I am in the middle of phase one."

"Phase one?" Ken asks.

"Yeah," Peter says, "I've quit buying."

They said it

  • "The only way to spend New Year's Eve is either quietly with friends or in a brothel. Otherwise, when the evening ends and people pair off, someone is bound to be left in tears." -- W.H. Auden
  • "New Year's Eve, where auld acquaintance be forgot. Unless, of course, those tests come back positive." -- Jay Leno
  • "People are so worried about what they eat between Christmas and the New Year, but they really should be worried about what they eat between the New Year and Christmas." -- Anonymous
  • "New Year's Day: Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual." -- Mark Twain
  • "Many people look forward to the new year for a new start on old habits." -- Anonymous
  • "Youth is when you're allowed to stay up late on New Year's Eve. Middle age is when you're forced to." -- Bill Vaughn

"An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves." -- Bill Vaughn

  • "The proper behavior all through the holiday season is to be drunk. This drunkenness culminates on New Year's Eve, when you get so drunk you kiss the person you're married to." -- P.J. O'Rourke
  • "Many years ago I resolved never to bother with New Year's resolutions, and I've stuck with it ever since." -- Dave Beard
  • "May all your troubles last as long as your New Year's resolutions." -- Joey Adams

Better offer

Trevor's New Year's Eve party was an annual event with numerous guests arriving. During the evening, a man knocked on the door, was greeted heartily although no one knew who he was and was led to the kitchen to get a drink. He sat there happily, chatting away, for a good half-hour before a strange light dawned on his face.

"You know," he confided to Trevor, "I wasn't even invited to this party. I just came over to tell you that some of your guests' cars are blocking my drive.

"My wife's been sitting out in the car waiting for me to get them moved, so that we can go out."

Fido's resolutions

  • I will not bark each time I see or hear a dog on TV.
  • I will not steal underwear belonging to my mistress and then dance all over the backyard with it.
  • I will not chew red crayons or pens, because my master will think that I am hemorrhaging.
  • I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.
  • I must shake the rainwater out of my coat BEFORE I enter the house.

Definition

Resolution: Something that goes in one year and out the other.

Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.

Comments do not represent the opinions of the Chattanooga Times Free Press, nor does it review every comment. Profanities, slurs and libelous remarks are prohibited. For more information you can view our Terms & Conditions and/or Ethics policy.
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