published Saturday, February 12th, 2011

Is spanking kids all bad?

Advice from 'parenting veteran'

Dr. Tim Kimmel refers to himself as a "parenting veteran" rather than a parenting expert.

The dad of four children is the founder of Family Matters, a nonprofit ministry in Scottsdale, Ariz., and author of a dozen books. He will be in town next weekend to lead First Things First's parenting workshop, "Raising Truly Great Kids."

"I've heard him speak, and I like people who have a lot of energy and wisdom," said Julie Baumgardner, First Things First executive director.

Baumgardner said Kimmel isn't afraid to discuss controversial subjects a lot of seminar leaders avoid.

"People are dealing with the tough problems, and they want someone who will tell them the truth. He's not afraid to talk about how to deal with a rebellious child," she said.

In a phone interview, Kimmel talked about parenting issues and previewed his workshop.

Q: Today's parents were raised by the indulgent baby boomer generation. How do you think that has affected their parenting skills?

A: When I think of the indulgent generation, I think of a generation of kids born on third base but who are under the delusion that they hit a triple. Their parents have greased the skids for them.

Then they went out into the adult world and found out they aren't graded for who they are but for showing up on time and working hard. They aren't used to that. Life gets tough on them.

Parents can't afford to accidentally raise their kids. We really have to have a deliberate way of going about it, and that's what we're going to deal with: a plan not based on fears, not based on hard times, but a comprehensive plan based on a heart connection with their kids.

Q: Is there still a place today for spanking?

A: I feel bad that spanking has been demonized as it has been. It's a reaction to what we all would agree is clear abuse by certain parents. There are laws against doing physical damage to a child, and there should be laws against it.

But it bugs me that modern thinkers would indict millions of loving, conscientious parents who have given their kids a swat on the bottom because they loved them so much they didn't want them to grow up to be a fool.

We'll talk about that and put it in a balanced perspective. We should always separate our kids' infractions between misdemeanors and felonies, and deal with them accordingly.

Q: With the prevalence of texting, are parents losing face time with their kids, and what do you think may be the long-range ramifications of that?

A: Every time there has been a new technological way to communicate, the first applications usually scare everybody. When the television came along, it was the "idiot box," and everybody was just "wasting time," but look how much it's informed us.

There is a good use and bad use of everything. Our job as parents is to teach our kids right from wrong; how to balance the proper use of anything, be it a cell phone, computer, whatever.

The one thing I don't want to start off with is just being frightened of the medium. It's just a medium of communicating. I know some parents who solve their conflict when they get in arguments with their kids by texting back and forth because they are more civil.

Q: Is it ever too late for a parent to connect with a rebellious teen?

A: I'm a follower of the God of a second chance, a clean slate. He can help reconnect hearts between parents and teenagers that have had a lot of distance put between them. It requires us to not so much look at ourselves, but [at] our children's needs and best interests.

One thing every child needs is to know their parents love them, that we're proud of them, that we're grateful that God assigned them to us. Every child needs to know they have a parent who believes in them, that we'll stick with them all the way, no matter how foolish they may be.

Q: Will you preview your workshop?

A: We're going to talk about four freedoms that when you give them to your kids on a daily basis, you automatically bring the best out of them.

We're going to frame the three driving core needs of every child's heart and how to meet them.

Third, parents are going to learn six character traits that, when you build them into your child, you give them everything they need to stand strong in life.

We're going to close with strong-willed children and how to equip them to make a huge impact in life.

We'll have a lot of fun the whole way. The conference is emceed by [stand-up comedian] Ken Kaz from Phoenix. His whole comedy is built around the adventures of his goofy family, his three boys. He has come up with some of the funniest ways of looking at what we all deal with.

The audience is going to be addressed by people who respect them, even if they are struggling, even if they have no clue what they're doing as parents.

Contact Susan Pierce at spierce@timesfreepress.com or 423-757-6284.

If You Go

* What: "Raising Truly Great Kids" parenting seminar.

* Where: Baylor School chapel.

* When: 6:30-9:30 p.m. Friday, 8 a.m.-12:30 p.m. Feb. 19.

* Admission: $39 per person.

* Phone: 267-5383.

about Susan Pierce...

Susan Palmer Pierce is a reporter and columnist in the Life department. She began her journalism career as a summer employee 1972 for the News Free Press, typing bridal announcements and photo captions. She became a full-time employee in 1980, working her way up to feature writer, then special sections editor, then Lifestyle editor in 1995 until the merge of the NFP and Times in 1999. She was honored with the 2007 Chattanooga Woman of ...

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dude_abides said...

Don't beat your kids. In case that first sentence is confusing, let me clarify...don't beat your kids. Beating them will help to the same degree that a cop beating you for a traffic law infraction would help.

February 12, 2011 at 4:13 p.m.
KidsRpeople2 said...

The U.S. Department of Education reports 250,000 incidents of corporal punishment annually, search "A Violent Education". Recent shocking incidents include a 12-year old girl bleeding and bruised after being paddled by a male school administrator in Ark., Two 17-year old girls paddled by a male TX school administrator, an IN elementary school principal on video aired on CNN assaulting an 8-year old boy on a school bus, a video of a MS coach whipping a high school basketball player aired on CNN 11/11/2010 and a 12-year old AL boy beaten for failing a science test! Parents are unable to bring charges as teachers/school employees are protected by "Teacher Immunity Laws" from criminal/c­ivil action. The Medical Community is Opposed to school paddling based on research that it is harmful. Please Demand U.S. Congress Enact Legislation to Abolish Physical/C­orporal Pain as Punishment of Children in U.S. Schools.

February 14, 2011 at 5:59 p.m.
MMead said...

Only suitable for minors?:

Schoolchildrens' "spanking" related injuries (WARNING - These images may be deeply disturbing to some viewers. Do not open this page if children are present). http://www.nospank.net/injuredkids.pdf

Reasonable and moderate? You decide. (WARNING - This sound recording may be deeply disturbing to some listeners. Do not open this file if children are within listening range). http://nospank.net/prj-006.wav

People used to think it was necessary to "spank" adult members of the community, college students, military trainees, and prisoners. In some countries they still do. In our country, it is considered assault and battery (sexual battery at that) if a person over the age of 18 is "spanked", but only if over the age of 18.

Recommended by professionals:

Plain Talk About Spanking by Jordan Riak http://www.nospank.net/pt2010.pdf

The Sexual Dangers of Spanking Children by Tom Johnson http://nospank.net/sdsc2.pdf

NO VITAL ORGANS THERE, So They Say by Lesli Taylor MD and Adah Maurer PhD http://nospank.net/taylor.htm

Most current research:

Spanking Kids Increases Risk of Sexual Problems http://www.unh.edu/news/cj_nr/2008/feb/lw28spanking.cfm

Use of Spanking for 3-Year-Old Children and Associated Intimate Partner Aggression or Violence http://pediatrics.aappublications.org/cgi/content/abstract/126/3/415

Spanking Can Make Children More Aggressive Later http://tulane.edu/news/releases/pr_03122010.cfm

Spanking Children Can Lower IQ http://www.unh.edu/news/cj_nr/2009/sept/lw25straus.cfm

Just a handful of those helping to raise awareness of why child "spanking" isn't a good idea:

American Academy of Pediatrics, American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, American Psychological Association, Center For Effective Discipline, Churches' Network For Non-Violence, United Methodist Church Nobel Peace Prize recipient Archbishop Desmond Tutu, Parenting In Jesus' Footsteps, Global Initiative To End All Corporal Punishment of Children, United Nations Committee on the Rights of the Child.

In 31 nations, child corporal punishment is prohibited by law (with more in process). In fact, the US was the only UN member that did not ratify the Convention on the Rights of the Child. The US also has the highest incarceration rate in the world.

The US states with the highest crime rates and the poorest academic performance are also the ones with the highest rates of child corporal punishment.

There is simply no evidence to suggest that child bottom-battering instills virtue.

February 14, 2011 at 6:29 p.m.
TealRose said...

Personally, I am VERY glad that spanking is demonised, I only wish it were banned as it is here in Europe. " But it bugs me that modern thinkers would indict millions of loving, conscientious parents who have given their kids a swat on the bottom because they loved them so much they didn't want them to grow up to be a fool." Really? As a 56 yr old grandmother who was spanked and who lost her love, respect and trust of her parents from the first smack, I can tell you that I DO indict them and anyone else who HITS a defenceless child! I have never respected or trusted anyone who hits another! I learned only fear, pain, anger, resentment and hate. I learned they didn't love me. And no, that post spanking pep talk [or any other talk] of 'we love you' never meant a thing to me - after all they had just hit me and proved it! I learned that adults lied and could and would get away with anything. I was a very well behaved child, quiet and thoughtful - and spanking ruined my childhood. I talked to my mother about this shortly before she died. She just said that I was fine and ok with it. Well I wasn't .. I was a seething mass, and a frightened little girl.

I live in Europe now, where spanking and hitting children has been banned for decades - and we are not seeing children running riot, nor the amount of criminal and violent behaviour as in the States. I raised my two children without hitting them - and they are now great adults. My grandchildren too are being raised without violence, and are a delight.

I am appalled that in this day and age, ANYONE with half a brain cell would think that striking a child would TEACH it anything. And that is what discipline means .. to teach... not to hit.

April 4, 2011 at 9:48 p.m.
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