published Tuesday, March 27th, 2012

Roberts: Peyton Manning is not normal


by Dalton Roberts

Something is wrong with Peyton Manning. I don't care if his neck operation is a success and he can thread a needle with a football, something is wrong in his gourd.

To sign with the Tennessee Titans, he was offered a sack of Krystals before every game and a lifetime supply of MoonPies, and he turned it down to go to Denver where a man can only breathe once a day!

The first time Daddy took me to a Krystal, I ate 14. So you know what I would have done if they had tendered such an offer to me.

Before the restaurants were built in Dallas, my son would drive north now and then for hours to get to a Krystal. So now you know he is a chip off the old block. Jeff is 6-foot-5, and if he had just liked football he would be packing for a return home to Tennessee right now.

After a long visit to Florida, I was about to pull out of Uncle Van's driveway to return home and asked him how long I would have to drive before hitting a Krystal, and he knew the exact mileage and the exit number. Those Roberts boys have their heads on straight.

But wait! Peyton's behavior gets even more bizarre. He was offered a lifetime supply of MoonPies, and turned it down!

MoonPies have been made here since Noah stepped off the boat, and there's nothing more delicious on the planet. I like them unadorned with coffee in the morning or after dinner with a scoop of ice cream (give the ice cream time to seep in).

Even country singers know and extol the glories of MoonPies. One of the most famous country songs was "Give Me an RC Cola and a MoonPie and Play Maple of the Hill." I believe it was Lonzo and Oscar who sung that winsome little ditty. It's hard for me to accept that Peyton is not as smart as Lonzo and Oscar. Lonzo doesn't even have front teeth, and he's never been hit by a 350-pound NFL tackle.

Peyton surely knows that in the years of Papa Archie's revered presence on the Mississippi football team, a Meridian bakery made Archie cookies instead of gingerbread. My little wife remembers going into the bakery when she lived in Meridian and seeing several trays of Archie cookies, and she feels sure the folks at McKee would have come up with a Little Debbie cake with Peyton's physiognomy. The McKees have always known what is hot and what is not, and Peyton is as hot a cookie as anyone has ever got (may not be grammatically correct but it rhymes, and that's all a songwriter cares about).

All I know is when the Titans beat the Broncos in the Super Bowl, I will have a Super Bowl Party here at the house with a huge sack of Krystals and MoonPies with a big pot of coffee, and we will get to see Peyton repent on national television.

No, to tell the truth, I appreciate the man for what he did for Tennessee football. I love him, and I am still squalling like a run-over dog that he will not be a Titan. I shall continue to maintain that he has a gourd problem.

Email Dalton Roberts at DownhomeP@aol.com.

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