published Thursday, November 29th, 2012

Laugh Lines

Shift direction

Two hunters are dragging their dead deer back to their truck when another hunter approaches, pulling his kill.

"Hey, I don't want to tell you how to do something, but I can tell you that it's much easier if you drag the deer in the other direction," he tells them. "Then the antlers won't dig into the ground."

Watching him move along with little effort, the two hunters decide they should try his method.

A little while later, one says to the other, "You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!"

The other guy says, "Yeah, but we're getting farther from the truck."

No chance

A hack golfer spends a day at a plush country club, playing golf and enjoying the luxury of a complimentary caddy. Of course, being a hack golfer, he plays poorly all day.

At the 18th hole, he spots a lake off to the left of the fairway. He says to the caddy, "I've played so poorly all day, I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake."

The caddy says, "I don't think you could keep your head down that long."

Slacker

A fisherman returns to shore with a giant marlin that is larger and heavier than he is. On the way to the cleaning shed, he runs into a buddy who has caught about a dozen rockfish. The buddy eyed the marlin and says, "Just caught the one, huh?"

Angling

Q: What do fishermen and hypochondriacs have in common?

A: They don't really have to catch anything to be happy.

Holiday diet rules

  1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.

  2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda.

  3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you don't eat more than they do.

  4. Food used for medicinal purposes never count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee cheesecake.

  5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.

  6. Movie-related foods (Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, Tootsie Rolls, etc.) do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel.

  7. Cookie pieces contain no fat -- the process of breaking causes fat leakage.

  8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples are peanut butter on a knife making a sandwich and ice cream on a spoon making a sundae.

  9. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and white chocolate. Note: Chocolate is a neutral color and may be substituted for any other food color.

  10. Foods that are frozen have no calories because calories are units of heat. Examples: ice cream, frozen pies and Popsicles.

Exercise plan

"I'm prescribing these pills for you," said the doctor to the overweight patient, who tipped the scales at 300 pounds.

"I don't want you to swallow them," the doctor instructed. "But twice a day, spill them on the floor and pick them up, one at a time."

Live to ride

You know you're a biker if ...

• You've ever bought saddlebags so you could carry more beer.

• Your girl follows you to the party in the car so you can take more beer.

• Your best friends are named after animals.

• Your best shoes have steel toes.

• You have motorcycle parts in the dishwasher.

• Your idea of jewelry is chains and barbed wire.

• You can tell what kind of bugs they are by the taste of them.

• You're sunburned only on the back of your hands.

• You carry around a crushed beer can in the case of soft tar when you park the bike.

• You pull your bike into the motel room and use a bath towel to wipe it off.

• Your girl friend has to climb over the bike to do the laundry in the basement.

• You carry a picture of your bike in your wallet.

• Any day you ride is a good day.

• Your other vehicle is a truck with motorcycle ramps in it.

• You've been too drunk to pee but not too drunk to ride your bike home.

• Your three-piece suit consists of chaps, leather vests, leather jacket.

• You don't think its a good party till someone rides his or her bike in and does doughnuts in the living room.

Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.

about Lisa Denton...

Lisa Denton is deputy features editor and content editor of Current. She previously was a lifestyle, entertainment and region reporter/pod leader for The Chattanooga Times, which she joined in 1983. Lisa is from Sale Creek and holds an associate’s degree in journalism from Chattanooga State Community College. Contact Lisa at 423-757-6281 or ldenton@timesfreepress.com.

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