published Thursday, April 4th, 2013

Laugh Lines

DAVE LETTERMAN'S TOP 10

Top 10 things overheard at the Popes’ lunch:

10. “Are you seeing anyone?”

9. “I just love the Vatican City Cheesecake Factory.”

8. “Hmm, what would Jesus order?”

7. “Who do you have to canonize to get some coffee around here?”

6. “I know I’m infallible, but I should’ve gone with the chicken.”

5. “Which of you had the margarita, no salt?”

4. “Cardinals be crazy.”

3. “Why didn’t I think of being the humble Pope?”

2. “Oh look at the time, I should get back to poping.”

1. “Put it on God’s tab.”

Source: “Late Show With David Letterman”

Big news

A new study found that women's IQs are higher than men's for the first time in 100 years. They would have found it earlier, but the researchers were all men." — Jimmy Fallon

Clear signs

You know you're getting older when ...

• Your kids are becoming you, but your grandchildren are perfect.

• Going out is good. Coming home is better.

• You forget names, but it's OK because other people forgot they even knew you.

• You realize you're never going to be really good at anything ... especially golf.

• The things you used to care to do you no longer care to do, but you really do care that you don't care to do them anymore.

• You sleep better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring than in bed. It's called "presleep."

• You miss the days when everything worked with just an "on" and "off" switch.

• You tend to use more four-letter words: "What?" "When?"

• Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, it's not safe to wear it anywhere.

• You notice everything they sell in stores is sleeveless.

• What used to be freckles now are liver spots.

• Everybody whispers.

• You have three sizes of clothes in your closet, two of which you will never wear.

Classic Jewish comedy

The Jewish Catskill comedians of vaudeville days included such names as Shecky Green, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Milton Berle and Henny Youngman. Here are some of their observations.

• A car hits an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."

• I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

• I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.

• Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

• We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

• My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife calls it the Dead Sea.

• My wife and I revisited the hotel where we spent our wedding night. This time, I was the one who stayed in the bathroom • cried.

• My wife was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

• The doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.

• The doctor called Mrs. Cohen and told her, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen replied, "So did my arthritis!"

• A doctor holds a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?" "The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"

• The patient says, "Doc, I have a ringing in my ears." The doctor says, "Don't answer!"

• A drunk has been brought in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking. " The drunk says, "OK, let's get started."

• The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that the reason for this is because "won ton" spelled backward is "not now."

• There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from law school.

• Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink? A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

• Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish American princess horror movie? A: It's called "Debbie Does Dishes."

• Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers? A: They never let anyone finish a sentence.

• A man called his mother in Florida. "Mom, how are you?," he asked. "Not too good," she replied. "I've been very weak." The son said, "Why are you so weak?" She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days." The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?" She answered, "I didn't want my mouth to be full in case you should call."

• A Jewish man said that when he was growing up, they always had two choices for dinner: Take it or leave it.

• A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play. She asks, "What part is it?" The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband." The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."

• Q: Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife? A: Under the vacuum cleaner.

• Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb? A: (Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody."

• A Jewish mother gives her son a blue shirt and a brown shirt for his birthday. On the next visit, he wears the brown one. The mother says, "What's the matter already? Didn't you like the blue one?"

• Q : What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother? A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.

• Q: Why are Jewish men circumcised? A: Because Jewish women don't like anything that isn't 20 percent off.

Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.

about Lisa Denton...

Lisa Denton is deputy features editor and content editor of Current. She previously was a lifestyle, entertainment and region reporter/pod leader for The Chattanooga Times, which she joined in 1983. Lisa is from Sale Creek and holds an associate’s degree in journalism from Chattanooga State Community College. Contact Lisa at 423-757-6281 or ldenton@timesfreepress.com.

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