DAVE LETTERMAN'S TOP 10Top 10 thoughts going through a lifeguard's mind on a typical day:• 10. "Just had lunch, so I'll wait another 30 minutes before rescuing someone."• 9. "Shark! No, wait - that's a guy with a hump."• 8. "Americans are more buoyant than ever."• 7. "I love being half-naked and staring at people."• 6. "How long was I asleep?"• 5. "The seagulls are talking to me."• 4. "Give me a second; I'm working on my tan."• 3. "Getting paid to sit on a chair and do nothing? I'm Letterman."• 2. "Maybe I should be facing the water."• 1. "'Help' or 'kelp' - who cares?"Source: "Late Show With David Letterman"
Marriage counseling
A husband and wife are at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling comes up.
“Oh, we’ll never need that. My wife and I have a great relationship,” says the husband.
“She was a communications major in college, and I majored in theater arts. She communicates well, and I act like I’m listening.”
Did you hear?
The World Origami Championships are going to be televised. Unfortunately, it’s only available on Paper View.
Say again?
A guy says to his co-worker, “The boss said you weren’t fit to associate with pigs, but I stuck up for you.”
“Thanks, man. What did you tell him?”
“I told him you were.”
Fish and chips
Lost on a rainy night, a nun stumbles across a monastery and requests shelter there. Fortunately, she is just in time for dinner and is treated to the best meal of fish and chips she has ever tasted.
After dinner, she strolls into the kitchen to thank the chefs. She is met by two of the brothers.
“Hello, I am Brother Michael,” says one.
“And I am Brother Charles,” says the other. “Welcome to the monastery.”
“I am pleased to meet you both,” she tells them. “I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I’ve ever had. Out of curiosity, who cooked what?”
Brother Charles replies, “Thank you, sister. I am the fish friar.”
Brother Michael says, “And that makes me the chip monk.”
Swing time
A little boy walks up to home plate in an empty baseball field with his bat and ball in hand.
As he throws the ball into the air, he proclaims, “I am the best batter ever.”
Then he swings with all his might. And misses.
He throws the ball into the air again. He swings. And misses.
He picks up the ball, tosses it one more time, and with conviction repeats, “I am the best batter in the world.”
He swings again. And misses.
“Wow, he says, scooping up the ball. “What a pitcher!”
6-foot cockroach
A man is sitting at home one evening when the doorbell rings. When he answers the door, there stands a 6-foot cockroach. Immediately, the cockroach punches him between the eyes and takes off.
The next evening, the doorbell rings again and the man answers. The cockroach is there again. This time, it punches him, kicks him and gives him a karate chop before running away.
The third evening, when the man answers the door, the cockroach stabs him several times before running off.
Gravely injured, the man crawls to the telephone and summons an ambulance. He is rushed to intensive care, where they save his life.
The next morning, the doctor is doing his rounds. He asks the man what happened, so the man explains that a 6-foot cockroach attacked him, culminating in the near-fatal stabbing.
The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, “Yes, I’ve heard there’s a nasty bug going around.”
Current events
From politicalhumor.about.com:
Anthony Weiner:
• “Two years ago when Weiner resigned [from Congress], he said more embarrassing pictures may come out in the future. Do you know how he knew that? Because he went home after that and started texting them. That’s how he knew.” — Jay Leno
• “It’s been a rough week for Anthony Weiner. His campaign manager in the race for mayor just quit because of Weiner’s newest scandal. And it’s tough finding a replacement because every time he emails someone, they’re like, ‘I’m not opening that.’ ” — Jimmy Fallon
• “The latest scandal for Weiner is that his communications director called a former intern [an inappropriate name]. But Weiner says he won’t fire the communications director and vows to stand beside her. And she was like, ‘How about we just stand side by side?’ ” — Jimmy Fallon
• “A new poll came out and says that most Democrats think Anthony Weiner has basically lost his mind. Weiner said, ‘The important thing is I haven’t lost my phone.’ ” — Conan O’Brien
• “This guy has sent so many [obscene photos], yesterday he was at the Apple store, and the guy said to him, ‘You know you can also make calls on this thing.’ ” — Bill Maher
• “I don’t know if I believe this or not, but there’s this new study that says a wedding is actually the best place to meet someone. Then Anthony Weiner said, ‘It’s true. At my wedding I got like five or six phone numbers.’” — Jimmy Fallon
• “Anthony Weiner has vowed to continue to fight. He said he is staying in the race because he cares deeply about the people of New York — except for the one he is married to.” — Jimmy Kimmel
• “This one goes out to Huma: When your husband Anthony says, ‘I feel like a different person,’ it doesn’t mean what you think.” — Bill Maher
• “According to the New York Post, the Clintons are really angry about being compared to the Weiners, and rightly so. Bill Clinton took his sexual conduct seriously. Anthony Weiner just phones it in.” — Jay Leno
Pope Francis:
• “Pope Francis went to Rio in South America and announced that he would not judge anyone who is gay. That’s what Pope Francis said. That must have been some trip to Rio.” — David Letterman
• “Sunday, on his way home from Brazil, Pope Francis said it was not his job to judge gays. He said that’s what the Tony Awards are for.” — Jay Leno
• “Pope Francis today said he will not judge priests who are gay. In response, gay priests said they will not judge Pope Francis for wearing that robe with those shoes.” — Conan O’Brien
Bob Filner:
• “More problems for America’s creepiest mayor, San Diego’s Bob Filner. An eighth woman has now come forward to say that she was sexually harassed by him. She said she would’ve come forward sooner, but the line was too long.” — Jay Leno
Edward Snowden:
• “Edward Snowden, the guy who leaked all that information about the NSA, finally got to leave the Moscow airport this morning after being held there for five weeks. When asked what he wanted to eat, he said, ‘Anything but Cinnabon.’ ” — Jimmy Fallon
Clarksville High School:
• “A high school in Arkansas is letting teachers carry concealed weapons. So now when students want to ask a question, they raise both hands.” — Conan O’Brien
Vladimir Putin:
• “Russian President Vladimir Putin was on vacation last week and apparently he caught a giant, 46-pound fish. Putin called it a crowning achievement, while the manager of the aquarium said, ‘What am I supposed to do? He’s president.’ ” — Jimmy Fallon
Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.