published Thursday, August 29th, 2013

Laugh Lines

DAVE LETTERMAN'S TOP 10

Top 10 signs you're attending a phony university:

• 10. First question on the application is "Are you a cop?"

• 9. Acceptance letter reads, "Congratulations current resident."

• 8. On your first day, you're asked to chair the physics department.

• 7. To graduate, you need 32 credits or 32 Mountain Dew twist-off caps.

• 6. Upon closer inspection, you see it's called "Harvarb."

• 5. "Classroom" is just an abandoned storage locker.

• 4. Lectures have a two-drink minimum

• 3. Dean is just a guy named Dean.

• 2. Motto of the university is "No Refund."

• 1. President of the university is this guy right here (video of Donald Trump).

Source: "Late Show With David Letterman"

Bogged down

A husband and wife are driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. They come to a muddy patch in the road, and when they try to drive through, the car gets stuck. After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they see a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him.

The farmer stops when he sees the couple in trouble and offers to pull the car out of the mud for $50. The husband accepts, and minutes later the car is free. The farmer turns to the husband and says, "You know, you're the 10th car I've helped out of the mud today."

The husband looks around at the fields incredulously and asks the farmer, "When do you have time to plow your land? At night?"

"No," the young farmer replies. "Night is when I put the water in the hole."

Dad's displeased

A clergyman walking down a country lane sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it has fallen off.

"You look hot, my son," says the cleric. "Why don't you rest a moment, and I'll give you a hand."

"No thanks," says the young man. "My father wouldn't like it."

"Don't be silly," the minister says. "Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water."

Again the young man protests that his father would be upset.

Losing his patience, the clergyman says, "Your father must be a real tyrant. Tell me where I can find him, and I'll give him a piece of my mind!"

"Well," replies the young farmer, "he's under the load of hay."

Spaced out

Gerard bought a computer, even though he had never even used a typewriter. After investigating the computer, he called the help line.

A friendly voice explained step by step how his new machine worked. All went well until the voice told him to press the space bar. After studying the keyboard, Gerard said, "I've got the latest model, and it doesn't have a space bar."

After further explanation, he managed to find it.

A week later, Gerard again had problems and called the help line. This time, a technician was sent to his house. But after a few minutes, Gerard's head was spinning.

"You don't need to go any further," he sighed. "I don't understand a thing."

To cheer him up, the technician said, "Hey, there are people who understand a lot less than you. Last week we had someone on the phone who didn't even know where the space bar was."

Capital offense

A smart-aleck man who is married to a blonde thinks it's funny to come home at night and tell her a blond joke.

One night the wife gets fed up with his insults and decides to show him she isn't dumb. So she spends the whole next day learning all her states and capitals.

That night when he gets home, he tells his latest blond joke and laughs at her expense.

She tells him, "Say what you will, but I'm not so dumb. I know all the states and capitals. Go ahead. Quiz me."

He says, "Fine. What is the capital of Massachusetts?"

She says, "M!"

Rope-a-dope

An insurance accident report:

Dear Sir,

I am writing in response to your request for additional information on Question 3 on the accident reporting form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully, and I trust the following detail will be sufficient.

I am an amateur radio operator. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the top section of my new 80-foot tower. When I had completed my work, I discovered that I had, over the course of several trips up the tower, brought up about 300 pounds of tools and spare hardware. Rather than carry the now unneeded tools and material down by hand, I decided to lower the items down in a small barrel by using a pulley, which fortunately was attached to the gin pole at the top of the tower.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went to the top of the tower and loaded the tools and material into the barrel. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the 300 pounds of tools. You will note in Question 11 of the accident report that I weigh only 155 pounds.

Due to my surprise of being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate of speed up the side of the tower. Somewhere around the 40-foot level, I met the barrel coming down. This explains my fractured skull and broken collarbone.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately, by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold onto the rope in spite of my pain.

At about the same time, however, the barrel of tools hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the tools, the barrel now weighed about 20 pounds. I refer you again to my weight in Question 11. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the tower.

Again in the vicinity of the 40-foot level, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles and the lacerations of my legs and lower body. The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of tools, and fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the tools, in pain, unable to stand and watching the empty barrel 80 feet above me, I again lost my presence of mind. I let go of the rope.

Chasing chicks

The farmboy was returning from the market with the crate of chickens his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box fell and broke open.

Chickens scurried off in all directions, but the determined boy walked all over the neighborhood scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the repaired crate.

Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst.

"Pa, the chickens got loose," the boy confessed sadly, "but I managed to find all 12 of them."

"Well, you did real good, son," the farmer beamed. "You left with seven."

One to spare

A newly married couple were visiting friends when the subject of children came up. The bride said she wanted three children, while the young husband said two would be enough for him.

They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband thought he'd put an end to things by proclaiming, "After our second child, I'll just have a vasectomy."

Without a moment's hesitation, the bride replied, "Well, I hope you'll love the third one as if it's your own."

Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.

about Lisa Denton...

Lisa Denton is deputy features editor and content editor of Current. She previously was a lifestyle, entertainment and region reporter/pod leader for The Chattanooga Times, which she joined in 1983. Lisa is from Sale Creek and holds an associate’s degree in journalism from Chattanooga State Community College. Contact Lisa at 423-757-6281 or ldenton@timesfreepress.com.

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