published Thursday, December 5th, 2013

Laugh Lines

Top 10 questions most frequently answered, “Bacon”

10. “Gosh, you look great! What’s your secret?”

9. “Why not become a vegetarian?”

8. “Did you smell anything right before the stroke?”

7. “Kevin who?”

6. “What was the top-selling pork product in 1962?”

5. “Is there anything Republicans and Democrats can agree on?”

4. “What should I bait the trap with?”

3. “Cause of death?”

2. “Why hasn’t Chris Christie’s lap-band surgery worked?”

1. “Would you like anything with your bacon?”

Shiny wall thingy

An Amish boy and his father are visiting a shopping mall. They are amazed by almost everything they see but especially by two shiny silver walls that move apart and back together again by themselves.

The lad asks, “What is this, father?”

The father, having never seen an elevator, responds, “I have no idea.”

While the boy and his father are watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolls up to the moving walls and presses a button. The walls open, and the lady rolls between them into a small room. The walls close, and the boy and his father watch as small circles light up above the walls.

In a minute, the walls open up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman steps out.

The father turns to his son and says, “Go get your mother.”

Bare necessities

The retirement home is throwing a holiday party for the residents.

After a few drinks, an old man approaches an old woman he’s had his eye on and says, “If I took you out for a full night of wining, dining and dancing, what would you wear?”

She says, “Depends.”

He says, “Depends on what?”

She says, “On my bottom. Where else?!”

So long, Mom

A young man is walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he notices an old lady following him around. For the most part, he ignores her and continues on, but it’s obvious she is keeping an eye on him.

Finally, as he approaches the checkout line, she cuts in front of him.

As she takes the groceries out of her cart, she turns to him and says, “I’m sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It’s just that you look just like my son, who died recently.”

The young man replies: “I’m very sorry. Is there anything I can do for you?”

She says, “Yes, as I’m leaving, can you say ‘Goodbye, Mother!’? That would make me feel so much better.”

The young man agrees.

As the old woman is leaving, he calls out, “Goodbye, Mother!”

As he steps up to the counter to pay for his groceries, he sees that his total is $127.50.

“How can that be?” he asks. “I only purchased a few things.”

The clerk says, “That includes your mother’s stuff. She said you would pay for hers.”

Buyer beware

These are said to be actual warning texts from label instructions on consumer goods.

* On a hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.

* On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

* On some frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost.

* Printed on a bottom of the box of tiramisu dessert: Do not turn upside down.

* On a package of bread pudding: Product will be hot after heating.

* On packaging for an iron: Do not iron clothes on body.

* On a nighttime sleep aid: Warning: May cause drowsiness.

* On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only.

* On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use.

* On a bag of peanuts: Warning: Contains nuts.

* On an airline’s packet of nuts: Instructions: Open packet. Eat nuts.

* On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.

* On a child’s Superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.

* On children’s cough medicine: Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication.

Guy quiz

Q: Why is a laundromat a really bad place to pick up women?

A: Because a woman who can’t afford her own washing machine won’t be able to support you.

Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.

about Lisa Denton...

Lisa Denton is deputy features editor and content editor of Current. She previously was a lifestyle, entertainment and region reporter/pod leader for The Chattanooga Times, which she joined in 1983. Lisa is from Sale Creek and holds an associate’s degree in journalism from Chattanooga State Community College. Contact Lisa at 423-757-6281 or ldenton@timesfreepress.com.

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