published Thursday, December 19th, 2013

Punchlines

Dave Letterman's Top 1

Top 10 hottest toys for the holiday season

10- Face-Lift Barbie

9- Lingering Hug Elmo

8- Dr. Conrad Murray’s “Operation”

7- Arby’s Dream House

6- Scabble

5- Remote-Controlled Remote Control

4- Scurby: The Furby With Scurvy

3- Inflatable Matt Lauer Prostate

2- My Little Phony Interpreter

1- Toronto Crack Mayor Santa

As it is written

A church was preparing for Christmas services. The pastor decided he wanted a banner made for the entryway and had a parishioner call the sign company.

The parishioner told the man on the phone the message he wanted and the dimensions needed for the entryway.

The sign came back a few days later, reading:

“Unto Mary, Jesus was born, 6 feet long and 2 feet wide.”

Christmas riddles

Q: How does King Wenceslas like his pizzas?

A: Deep and crisp and even.

Q: How much did Santa pay for his sleigh?

A: Nothing. It was on the house.

Q: Who says, “Oh, oh, oh”?

A: Santa Claus walking backwards.

Q: What nationality is Santa Claus?

A: North Polish.

Q: If athletes get athlete’s foot, what do astronauts get?

A: Missile-toe.

Q: What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?

A: Tinsilitis.

Q: How do you know when Santa has visited?

A: You can sense his presents.

Q: How do you know Santa Claus is a man?

A: No woman is going to wear the same outfit year after year.

Hold that thought

A comedian from Stevenage, England, beat out 2,000 fellow funny people in a national competition to improve the much-maligned Christmas cracker joke (similar to the riddles above). The Advertiser newspaper reports that Richard Woolford, 36, submitted the winning entry about American pop singer Miley Cyrus.

The joke asks: What does Miley Cyrus have at Christmas?” The answer: Twerky.

Woolford said, “It’s the tradition to have bad jokes [in Christmas crackers], so mine is a bit of a groaner too.”

For his winning joke, Woolford received a cash prize and a set of crackers containing his joke that he planned to share with his family over Christmas dinner.

Hoping they’re kidding

Facebook posts:

“I just got my son a flat piece of cardboard for Christmas. Although what he wants with an ex-box I’ll never know.”

“Only six more shopping days ‘til Christmas. Or, if you’re a guy, only five and a half days until you start your Christmas shopping.”

“I’m buying my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note saying, ‘Toys not included.’”

“Just a reminder in these tough economic times that instead of spending $5 on my Christmas card, you could just give me $5.

Experts weigh in

Christmas thoughts from comedians, as seen at huffingtonpost.com:

n“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.” — Phyllis Diller

“What’s the bane of Santa’s life? The elf and safety officer.” — Catherine Tate

“The one thing women don’t want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband.” — Joan Rivers

“I love my family but my family — they’re the type of people that never let you forget anything you ever did. … I was in the first-grade Christmas play — I’m playing Mary. Now, during the course of the play, I dropped the baby Jesus. They still talk about this. I go to my family reunion, and one of my cousins just had a baby. So I’m like, ‘Oh, that’s a cute little baby. Let me hold the baby.’ … And my aunt runs over, ‘Don’t you give her that baby! You know she dropped the baby Jesus.’” — Wanda Sykes

“The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.” — George Carlin

“The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a Nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn’t for any religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.” — Jay Leno

“There is nothing more upsetting than buying someone a cashmere scarf and getting a candle. That is what you mean to them — a candle — a social leper. I wrap up the gifts each person gave me the year before with a card that says, ‘Same to you.’” — Ruby Wax

Signs of the times

Rick Freeman has been posting Christmas wisdom on his latest signs at Calico Florist and Gifts in Soddy-Daisy.

When one goes out the rest stay lit …

Biggest lie ever told.

When you stop believing in Santa Claus …

You get underwear.

Sign of the Times Free Press

A note went up on the newsroom vending machine: Do not buy Pop-Tarts. They get stuck.

Scribbled below a few days later: Try taking smaller bites. They go down easier.

Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.

about Lisa Denton...

Lisa Denton is deputy features editor and content editor of Current. She previously was a lifestyle, entertainment and region reporter/pod leader for The Chattanooga Times, which she joined in 1983. Lisa is from Sale Creek and holds an associate’s degree in journalism from Chattanooga State Community College. Contact Lisa at 423-757-6281 or ldenton@timesfreepress.com.

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