published Friday, December 20th, 2013

5-at-10: Mailbag on sports Gilligan's Island, SEC East projections, best and worst owners and more

Gang, another great weekend in the books.

Here's hoping you are ahead of the game in your shopping, and remember the Bowl challenge on ESPN.com. If you have any questions or troubles, you can email your bowl picks to jgreeson@timesfreepress.com and we'll get it worked out.

From the "Talks too much" studios, get busy living or get busy dying. We'll go with the former, thank you very much.

From Jomo11 —

Gilligand's Island with people from sports as actors. Who you got ? John Madden as Skipper, Lindsay Vonn as Ginger, Danica Patrick as Mary Anne, Gus Malzahn as the professor, T. Boone Pickens as Thurston Howell III, . . . . .but Im stuck on Gilligan ? . . . .help me . . . .and of course the age old guy question, Ginger or Mary Anne ?

Jomo —

Mary Anne. Now and always. Bigger upside. Less maintence. No brainer.

As for the cast, we have given this entirely too much thought.

Skipper — John Daly

Gilligan — Lane Kiffin

Thurston Howell — Nick Saban (dude is making a ton of cheese and he has that look... you know he's got that look; although Jerry Jones would also work here)

Mrs. Howell — Ms. Terry Saban (it fits and you know it; if you prefer Jerry Jones we could see Georgia Whoseherpants that owned the Rams for a longtime)

Ginger — Kournikova is a very solid but there are quite a few

Mary Anne — Holly Sonders (girl from Golf Channel — old school Katrina Witt)

The Professor — Malzahn is very good here for a lot of reasons.

Great question.

———

From Jefe —

Been a while since I have written. War Eagle.

Read this week that you think NWA and LL Cool J should be in the Rock-n-Roll Hall of Fame. That doesn't surprise me even though we all know they are rappers.

What I wonder is who are on your Rushmore of Rap big guy?

Thanks. You da man.

Jefe —

Hope this finds you well and War Eagle right back at you.

We realize that NWA and LL Cool J are not Rock-n-Roll. We never would have nominated them. But that they were nominated and that Public Enemy and several other rap groups are in the R-n-R Hall makes it applicable — and appalling — that NWA especially was not voted. (That Hall and Oates was is entirely another matter. War Maneater. Who's next, Billy Ocean?)

As for your question, sweet buckets, you guys are hitting us where we live.

We are going to give you two: Best and Most Influential because they are really two different lists.

Best — Eminem, Notorious B.I.G., Tupac, T.I. (and that's leaving off some all-timers like LL Cool J and Jay-Z)

Most Influential — Dr. Dre, Run DMC, Public Enemy, Sugarhill Gang (and that's leaving off some all-timers like LL Cool Jay and Jay-Z)

————

From A Reader

Please don't print my name, but if you want to use this as a mailbag question, that's OK. I need your advice... When should I buy my girlfriend lingerie as a gift? I have an idea but wondered what you thought.

Thanks. I love the 5-at-10 and you and Paschall on the radio are great.

Keep up the good work.

A Reader —

Thanks for the trust and the question.

There are several variables here and you have answered a few of them. How long have you been dating is the biggest one? (We asked and he sent back nine months.) And we have to assume that you have seen her in her underwear (at least). This is a complete deal breaker, because if you have not seen her underwear, then you shan't be buying her any underwear.

OK, follow along. First we do not recommend buying lingerie as any major present, as in Christmas or birthday. Admit it, in some ways you're thinking about how this gift would please you as well. Would you give her a pitching wedge that the two of you would each enjoy? Doubtful.

Also we strongly advise that clothes be an absolute last option for gifts unless she absolutely says, "That _ is all I want for Christmas." If you are going to go with any clothes for the gift, you must have exact sizes. You can't not miss in either direction because if you buy a size too big, she'll think you think she's too heavy and if you buy a size too small she'll think you think she's too heavy. She could be a Kenya distance runner with 0.6 percent body fat and that does not change the previous sentence.

Whenever you decide to give her lingerie you must be 100 million percent she will open this in your company and your company alone. If Cousin Eddie sees the matching Victoria Secret bra and panties at the family gift game, well, your days are numbered.

Hope that helps and good luck.

————

From Chas9 —

What's your Rushmore of Calvins?

Calvin Johnson — Megatron alone gets him here

Calvin and Hobbes — No brainer

Calvin Klein — "The best thing is to look natural, but it takes makeup to look natural."

and John Calvin — "We must remember that Satan has his miracles, too."

With all do apologies to Calvin Coolidge, Calvin Murphy and Calvin Sneed.

————

From Stuck —

Here's a mailbag question:

It's WAAAAAY too early for this, but who how would you predict the SEC East to finish next year based on what everyone has coming back and looks like they will sign? Could Vandy be the favorite?

Make any assumptions you want to make about coaching changes (Franklin gone? Spurrier?), but just make them reasonable (Nick Saban leaves and goes to Texas, James Franklin is hired to replace him, Cutcliffe replaces him at Vanderbilt, David Shaw replaces him at Duke, Jim Mora goes to Stanford, Muschamp goes to UCLA, Spurrier goes to Florida, Brian Kelly replaces Spurrier, Butch Jones goes to Notre Dame, Russ Huesman replaces him, Mark Richt gets fed up with Georgia fans always complaining about him and goes to Chattanooga, Muschamp comes back to Georgia weeks after taking the UCLA job, and UCLA hires Lane Kiffin and wins big immediately with him.)

Stuck —

Love the coaching carousel, and sweet buckets if a tenth of those moves happen, the college football world as we know it will be altered and the interweb may melt.

Here's our way, Way, WAY too early preseason picks in the East:

1) Missouri — Maty Mauk, Josey and DGB present a taletned trio of skilled players

2) Georgia — Todd Gurley for the 2014 Heisman

3) South Carolina — Dylan Thompson needs to be ready; Spurrier will have hom ready, unless of course Spurrier goes to Florida as Stuck throws out

4) Vandy — Whomever they get to replace Franklin will be facing surreal expectations for a Vandy coach; and replacing Jordan Matthews will be every bit as tough

5) Florida — The new offensive coordinator hire will be huge.

6) Tennessee — This could move upward if Riley Ferguson is legit; if not brick-by-brick will need to address brick-by-quarterbrick sooner rather than later.

7) Kentucky — Wow. It's tough to rebuild in the SEC, you know?

————

From BillyinBrainerd

How important is ownership in pro sports? Rushmore of best owners? [Robert Kraft] Rushmore of worst owners? [Dan Snyder] Rankin Smith had to be among the worst...

BiB —

Gang, great questions. Simply excellent.

Rushmore of best owners, in no specific order:

The Rooneys (Steelers) — epitome of class and built a sterling franchise model

George Steinbrenner (Yankees) — say what you want, and the early years were brutal, but dude spared no expense to win and re-invented the Yankees

Dr. Jerry Buss (Lakers) — one of the all-timers

Robert Kraft (Patriots) — Good call.

Worst owners, in no order:

Jeffrey Loria (Marlins)

James Dolan (Knicks)

Donald Sterling (Clippers)

Dan Snyder (Redskins)

And let's look at two guys that could have been on each list at certain times: Al Davis and Jerry Jones.

One more thing: You know who may be on the list of most influential? Ted Turner, former owner of the Braves. For better or worse, Turner opened the eyes of owners everywhere that owning sports teams was also owning TV programming. The landscape of sports has never been the same since.

Have a great weekend.

about Jay Greeson...

Jay was named the Sports Editor of the Times Free Press in 2003 and started with the newspaper in May 2002 as the Deputy Sports Editor. He was born and raised in Smyrna, Ga., and graduated from Auburn University before starting his newspaper career in 1997 with the Newnan (Ga.) Times Herald. Stops in Clayton and Henry counties in Georgia and two years as the Sports Editor of the Marietta (Ga.) Daily Journal preceded Jay’s ...

18
Comments do not represent the opinions of the Chattanooga Times Free Press, nor does it review every comment. Profanities, slurs and libelous remarks are prohibited. For more information you can view our Terms & Conditions and/or Ethics policy.
chas9 said...

Which weekend is already in the books?

If Nicky Satan is Thurston H., he'll have to wear lift shoes.

Sneed's gonna be hacked off that he's not on your Rushmore. And you don't want to hack off Calvin Sneed.

Impressed that you think so much with your big brain regarding lingerie. I never have.

Wowzer. If The Gators finish 5th (and I can't argue the point), after which game will Will be canned?

Agree that The Vols won't escape 6th. UK has a better chance of escaping 7th.

Sacramento's Maloofs are miserable, too.

December 20, 2013 at 10:24 a.m.
John_Proctor said...

"You can't not miss in either direction because if you buy a size too big, she'll think you think she's too heavy and if you buy a size too small she'll think you think she's too heavy. She could be a Kenya distance runner with 0.6 percent body fat and that does not change the previous sentence."

In the entire world history of the printed word, truer words have never been written and published! Congratulations, sir, well played indeed.

December 20, 2013 at 10:44 a.m.
MocTastic said...

Time for another Christmas video, this time featuring Jon Anderson of Yes

December 20, 2013 at 11:23 a.m.
chas9 said...

You call that a Christmas video?

For a REAL Christmas video, see Chuck Norris doing a split between two jets in the air. It's on youtube or at www.today.com/entertainment/chuck-nor...>

I was his stunt double for the trick, by the way.

Jay--Your take on the different UTK and UTC losses is right on. Almost as wise as your brilliant lingerie advice.

And which of these sports personalities is least likely to ever darken the door of Victoria's Secret trying to buy lingerie: Tubby Smith, Bobby Cox, Russ Huesman, Bruce Pearl, Robert Montgomery Knight, or Doctor B ?

December 20, 2013 at 11:57 a.m.
fechancellor said...

10 Ring,

Managing General Partner Al Davis (pbuh) was a giant in the NFL, an innovator and motivator the likes of which will never will never be duplicated.

Mr. Davis coached the Raiders shaking off two years of loses in 1963 to 10-4. This earned him AFL Coach of the Year.

Next Al Davis became the Commissioner of the AFL, whose strategy and tactics were no small part of the merger with the NFL.

Once back with the Raiders, superior scouting--most noticeably at traditional black colleges--became the next stop for some of leagues most talented head cases traditional NFL coaches refused to consider. It was Davis, at the time merely swinging in the air with a late round pick that turned into Bo Jackson.

Some firsts, Tom Flores, the first Hispanic head coach. Art Shell the first NFL black coach. First woman CEO, Amy Trask.

Al busted big sod taking the NFL court on anti-trust suit winning the right to move to Los Angeles. This is where the Raiders should be today.

Yes, Al Davis successes and failures have rubbed many wrong over his decades in football, and as Raider fan, I'm been rubbed raw from Mr. Davis interference with staff and players. The Davis edge in innovative drafting are long gone, so for the last 20 years he would draft on athletic ability first and competence second.

Davis was a great man, who never lost his way. His stubborn clinging to his old ways is testament to the Raider record for the past ten years, and I doubt the W-L will not change next year.

December 20, 2013 at 1:14 p.m.
BIspy4 said...

For Christmas song, I choose the Kinks' Father Christmas.

And if you have not folded and put away her unmentionables - or picked them up off the floor and looked at the tag - then you need to skip Victoria's Secret and go to the jewelry store for a nice bracelet.

You know who would make a great Thurston Howell III (by the way, war Jim Backus, who was great in Its a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World)? Former New Jersey Generals owner Donald Trump.

December 20, 2013 at 1:31 p.m.
GratefulDawg said...

Man alive! I've thumbed through the Victoria's Secret catalog before, just looking at the pictures. Jay, on the other hand, read the articles and committed the sizing chart to memory. A round of applause for our very own Jay "Garter Belt" Greeson.

For the Rushmore of Calvins, I nominate Ebby Calvin "Nuke" Laloosh. "LA-LA-LOOSH!"

9er asked: "Which weekend is already in the books?" Clearly Chas is not an adherent of the Rapa Nui calendar. And for the record, that kiosk in the mall does not sell lunisolar calendars.

December 20, 2013 at 1:52 p.m.
MocTastic said...

Welcome to RADIO JG, for your Christmas listening pleasures.

Check out Leon Redbone doing a classic verson of Christmas Island

December 20, 2013 at 2:22 p.m.
MocTastic said...

and for you jazz lovers, a little Wynton Marsalis for your listening and viewing pleasure

December 20, 2013 at 2:26 p.m.
mcpell3 said...

The lingerie never works in a guy's favor. You'd be better off giving her a microwave full of frozen burritos instead.

At Auburn they taught us the weekend started on Thursday.

December 20, 2013 at 2:44 p.m.
Buschleague said...

5- I don't really understand the disdain for Dan Snyder on your list. Since becoming owner he's hired Schottenhiemer, Spurrier and Shannahan, who were all big time qualified winning coaches. He spends coin on free agents and highly competitive people have high expectations in their investments. I can't remember even seeing him interviewed so it's not like Jerry where he wants the spotlight all the time. Perineal losers Jags,Tampa, Bills, Cardinals should be so lucky.

December 20, 2013 at 2:48 p.m.
fechancellor said...

mcpell3

I believe this plugs straight into your value system.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oOCC1EKXRBc

December 20, 2013 at 2:59 p.m.
chas9 said...

Busch--Do you really mean perineal losers? You're getting close to an area not allowed in a FOIB space. An area not covered by some of that aforementioned lingerie.

And in a possibly related development, it appears Pussy Riot is about to be let loose.

December 20, 2013 at 3:10 p.m.
sportsfan said...

Jay - if A Reader is dating Little Miss Sportsfan, the answer is NEVER and get off my porch!

December 20, 2013 at 3:15 p.m.
mcpell3 said...

fec - while I can't claim credit for the boneheaded idea of a microwave full of burritos, I have to credit my ex brother-in-law for that bit of genius. However, buying unmentionables for a girlfriend will get you gone about as quick as the microwave full of goodies.
I think I'll get a another log...

December 20, 2013 at 3:20 p.m.
Buschleague said...

My bad-perennial..band-aid colored grannies have clouded my memory

December 20, 2013 at 3:24 p.m.
GratefulDawg said...

"Do you really mean perineal losers?" --Chas9

That just taint right.

December 20, 2013 at 3:46 p.m.
BIspy4 said...

Buschleague,

The Jags did play for the AFC Championship twice under Coughlin. It's only the last few years, toward the end of Jack Del Rio's tenure, their forgettable coach last year (Mike Mularkey maybe? Or was it Dirk Koetter? One of those guys) and Gus Bradley this year have the Jags emanated a smell that rivals the many paper mills in the south Georgia/north Florida area.

December 20, 2013 at 4:05 p.m.
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