DAVE LETTERMAN'S TOP 10
Top 10 things overheard at the home of the couple who have been married 80 years:10. "Don't you think it's time we consummate this thing?"9. "I've been thinking about something you said 75 years ago."8. "Where are my pills?"7. "You're wearing my teeth again."6. "I said, 'Where are my pills?' "5. "Let's not divorce until the great-grandkids leave for college."4. "It's time we start planning for retirement."3. "I'm sorry I cheated on you with Herbert Hoover."2. "It's been more than four hours; we better call the doctor."1. "What ... are you doing in my half of the house?"Source: "Late Show With David Letterman"
Wisdom beyond their years
Children's views on dating:
How does a person decide whom to marry?
• "No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with." - Kirsten, age 10
• "You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming." - Allan, 10
What is the proper age to get married?
• "Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then!" - Cam, 10
• "No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married!" - Freddie, 6
What do you think your mom and dad have in common?
• "Both don't want any more kids." - Lori, 8
What do most people do on a date?
• "Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough." - Lynnette, 8
• "On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go on a second date." - Martin, 10
When is it OK to kiss someone?
• "When they're rich!" - Pam, 7
• "The law says you have to be 18, so I wouldn't want to mess with that." - Curt, 7
• "The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do." - Howard, 8
Irreconcilable
A man and woman are having marriage problems and decide to end their union after a very short time together.
After a brief attempt to reconcile, the couple go to court to finalize their breakup.
The judge asks the husband, "What has brought you to this point, where you are not able to keep this marriage together?"
The husband says, "In the six weeks we've been together, we haven't been able to agree on one thing."
The wife says, "Seven weeks."
Say it with feeling
Cracked.com has compiled a few painfully honest Valentine's Day cards you probably won't see in circulation.
• I don't know what my friends are talking about ... You're totally not out of my league.
• I bought you chocolates because Wikipedia told me it's an aphrodisiac. Please act appropriately.
• Happy Valentine's Day to the most amazingly beautiful, unbelievably attractive and sexiest woman in the world ... that I could get. For now.
• Propose or we're done.
• You'll do.
• Overpriced card: $4. Overpriced roses: $95. Overpriced necklace: $270. Getting away with putting zero effort into our relationship for the next 364 days: Priceless.
• Gina, You should probably invest in some blinds for your apartment. (Signed) The guy in the bushes.
• For the booze that brought us together and the lazy codependence that keeps us together. Happy Valentine's Day.
Ready to roll
Tom asked his friend Tony whether he had bought his wife anything for Valentine's Day.
"Yes," came the answer from Tony, who was a bit of a chauvinist. "I've bought her a belt and a bag."
"That's nice," said Tom. "I hope she will appreciate the thought."
"Me, too," said Tony. "And maybe the vacuum cleaner will work better now."
Valentine quickies
Q: What do squirrels give for Valentine's Day?
A: Forget-me-nuts.
Q: What did the light bulb say to the switch?
A: You turn me on.
Q: Did Adam and Eve ever have a date?
A: No, but they had an apple.
Q: Why did the apple go out with the prune?
A: Because it couldn't get a date.
Forewarned
When a woman in the office became engaged, a male co-worker offered her some advice.
"The first 10 years are the hardest," he told her.
"How long have you been married?" she asked.
"Ten years," he replied.
Eerie resemblance
Nigel, an alcoholic, staggered into a bar on Valentine's Day and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated there, walked up to her and gave her a big kiss.
She jumped up and slapped him really hard.
Nigel immediately apologized. "Look, I'm sorry," he explained, "but I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."
"Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no-good drunk," the woman screamed at the top of her lungs.
"That's funny," Nigel muttered, shaking his head. "You even sound exactly like her."
Last laugh
"My girlfriend told me she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes." - Emo Phillips
Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.