published Thursday, February 21st, 2013

Laugh Lines

DAVE LETTERMAN'S TOP 10

Top 10 reasons your film wasn’t nominated for an Academy Award:

10. Stars Daniel Day-Lewis, but not that Daniel Day-Lewis.

9. It’s entitled “Life of Pie.”

8. Three-minute “movie” demonstrates safety procedures on JetBlue.

7. It’s two hours of iPhone footage inadvertently recorded in your pocket.

6. Film was released “straight-to-Dumpster.”

5. It’s two hours of Donald Trump demanding to see Lincoln’s birth certificate.

4. Film was in French, subtitles also in French.

3. Tells the story of a vomiting robot.

2. Can hear crew laughing whenever anyone says “Hitchcock.”

1. Ebert gave it two middle-fingers up.

Source: “Late Show With David Letterman”

So very hyper

Bumper sticker spotted on a pickup truck in Red Bank:

“My ADD child can run circles around your honor student.”

Angelic behavior

Angels as explained by children:

• I only know the names of two angels, Hark and Harold. — Gregory, age 5

• Everybody’s got it all wrong. Angels don’t wear halos anymore. I forget why, but scientists are working on it. — Olive, 9

• It’s not easy to become an angel. First, you die. Then you go to heaven, and then there’s still the flight training to go through. And then you got to agree to wear those angel clothes. — Matthew, 9

• Angels work for God and watch over kids when God has to go do something else. — Mitchell, 7

• My guardian angel helps me with math, but he’s not much good for science. — Henry, 8

• Angels don’t eat, but they drink milk from Holy Cows! — Jack, 6

• Angels talk all the way while they’re flying you up to heaven. The main subject is where you went wrong before you got dead. — Daniel, 9

• When an angel gets mad, he takes a deep breath and counts to 10. And when he lets out his breath again, somewhere there’s a tornado. — Reagan, 10

• Angels have a lot to do, and they keep very busy. If you lose a tooth, an angel comes in through your window and leaves money under your pillow. Then when it gets cold, angels go south for the winter. — Sara, 6

• Angels live in cloud houses made by God and his son, who’s a very good carpenter. — Jared, 8

• All angels are girls because they gotta wear dresses and boys didn’t go for it. — Antonio, 9

• My angel is my grandma who died last year. She got a big head start on helping me while she was still down here on Earth. — Ashley, 9

• Some of the angels are in charge of helping heal sick animals and pets. And if they don’t make the animals get better, they help the child get over it. — Vicki, 8

• What I don’t get about angels is why, when someone is in love, they shoot arrows at them. — Sarah, 7

Four envelopes

The new manager walks into his office and, while settling into his new desk, finds four envelopes.

On one he finds the words “Open Me First.” The others are numbered one to three.

He opens the first envelope and finds a letter from his predecessor saying: “These three envelopes will save you a world of trouble. In case of emergency, please open these envelopes in sequential order; envelope one first, envelope two second and envelope three third.”

The manager shrugs, puts the envelopes back and forgets about them.

Six months later, the workers go on strike. The company is losing money fast and is at risk of closing altogether.

After a long night negotiating with the union, the manager remembers the three envelopes.

So he opens the first one, and it says: “Blame me, your predecessor, for everything.”

Wonderful idea, he thinks. Indeed, it works, and the crisis comes to an end. His job is saved, and everybody’s happy.

A few months later, another strike hits.

He goes to the drawer and opens the second envelope. It reads: “Blame the government for everything.”

That advice also works like a charm, and the manager breathes a sigh of relief as his job is, once again, saved.

A month later, the workers declare another strike.

The manager goes directly to the third envelope. It reads: “Prepare four new envelopes.”

Diet motivation

After being away at college for some time, a young man returned home for a visit with his folks. At dinnertime, his mother asked him to set the table.

When he opened the refrigerator, he found taped to the inside of the door a somewhat risqué picture of a lovely, slender, perfectly built but scantily clad young woman.

“Mom, what’s this?” he asked.

“Oh, I put that up there to remind me not to overeat,” she answered.

“Is it working?” her son asked.

“Yes and no,” she explained. “I’ve lost 15 pounds, but your dad has gained 20.”

Livestock sale

A retiring farmer needed to rid his farm of animals in preparation for selling his land, so he went to every house in his town.

To the houses where the husband was the boss, he gave a horse. To the houses where the wife was the boss, he gave a chicken.

When the farmer arrived at the end of the street, he met a couple who were outside gardening.

“Who’s the boss around here?” he asked.

“I am,” replied the man.

“Well, then, I have a black horse and a brown horse,” the farmer said. “Which one would you like?”

The man thought for a minute and said, “The black one ...”

“No, no, no ... the brown one,” interrupted the man’s wife.

The farmer shook his head and said to the man, “Here’s your chicken.”

Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.

about Lisa Denton...

Lisa Denton is deputy features editor and content editor of Current. She previously was a lifestyle, entertainment and region reporter/pod leader for The Chattanooga Times, which she joined in 1983. Lisa is from Sale Creek and holds an associate’s degree in journalism from Chattanooga State Community College. Contact Lisa at 423-757-6281 or ldenton@timesfreepress.com.

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