Thursday, July 25, 2013
DAVE LETTERMAN'S TOP 10Top 10 thoughts going through people's minds upon seeing the Geraldo Rivera photo:10. "Does this mean he's running for office?"9. "At least he kept his mustache on."8. "The Mayans were only a year off."7. "Rita Morena looks terrible."6. "I'm going into labor." (Pregnant women everywhere.)5. "I hope, at age 70, I'm that narcissistic."4. "Sweet shades, bro."3. "Cancel my entree."2. "I'd tap that." (Martha Stewart only.)1. "Gerald-ewww."Source: "Late Show With David Letterman"
An elderly husband and wife have become a bit forgetful, so they visit their doctor. The doctor tells them that many people find it useful to write themselves little notes.
When they get home, the wife says, "Would you mind dipping me a dish of ice cream?"
"Sure," says the husband.
"Maybe you should write it down," says the wife.
"Nonsense," says the husband. "I can remember a dish of ice cream."
"OK," she says, "but I'd also like some strawberries and whipped cream on it."
"My memory's not all that bad," says the husband. "Not a problem - a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream. I don't need to write it down."
He goes into the kitchen. For several minutes, the wife hears pots and pans banging around. Finally, the husband emerges and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs.
She looks at the plate and says, "You forgot the toast."
The boss's nephew was hired to paint a white line down the middle of the highway. On the first day, the teen got off to a good start, and he painted a white line 7 miles long.
The next day, however, he painted a line only 4 miles long. On the third day, he was down to less than a mile.
Finally, his supervisor asked him why he was doing less each day.
The boy replied, "I guess it takes me longer and longer to get back to the bucket each day."
A man is just waking up from surgery, still groggy from the anesthesia. His eyes flutter open, and he sees his wife sitting by his side.
"You're beautiful," he whispers, then falls asleep again.
It has been a while since the wife has heard this particular compliment, and she is flattered by his unexpected kindness.
A couple of minutes later, his eyes flutter open again, and he says, "You're cute."
The wife is a little disappointed with this description.
"What happened to 'beautiful'?" she asks.
He replies, "The drugs are wearing off."
Forrest Gump dies and goes to heaven. When he gets to the pearly gates, St. Peter tells him that new rules are in effect and that to gain admittance he will have to answer three questions.
• 1. Name two days of the week that begin with the letter "T."
• 2. Calculate how many seconds are in a year.
• 3. Tell him God's first name.
Forrest thinks for a few minutes and finally answers:
"The two days of the week that begin with "T" are today and tomorrow.
"There are 12 seconds in a year.
"And God has two first names: Andy and Howard."
St. Peter says, "OK, I'll allow 'today' and 'tomorrow.' Even though it's not the answer I expected, I can see your reasoning.
"But you're going to have to explain yourself on 12 seconds in a year and God's first names. How did you come up with those answers?"
Forrest says, "Well, there's January 2nd, February 2nd ..."
St. Peter says, "Oh, I see what you're doing. I guess that makes sense. But what about God's first names?"
Forrest says, "Well, 'Andy' is from the song - 'Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am his own.' And 'Howard' is from the prayer, 'Our Father, who art in heaven, Howard be thy name."
St. Peter let him in without another word.
The Great Kate Wait is now over. Here are some of the observations in the days leading up to the royal birth from politicalhumor.about.com:
• "Today the Queen said that she would like the royal baby to be born before she goes on vacation. Then someone reminded her she's more or less been on vacation since 1952." - Conan O'Brien
• "Kate Middleton and Prince William are expecting the baby any minute now. The royals say they don't care what gender it is as long as it's healthy enough to never work a day in its life." - Conan O'Brien
• "Britain is in a heightened state of alert. Right now they're in royal baby watch. Yes, everyone's on the lookout for the helpless little bald creature that will someday become the most powerful person in England. But enough about Prince Charles." - Craig Ferguson
• "William's brother, Prince Harry, is said to be very excited. He'll be an uncle for the first time. And he will no longer be the only one running around in the royal palace naked." - Craig Ferguson
• "Queen Elizabeth is also on pins and needles. Who can blame her? It's been 120 years since a British monarch has been alive for the birth of a great-great grandchild - or as Prince Charles noted, it's been 120 years, five months, three days and 15 hours." - Craig Ferguson
• "Doctors have warned that the birth could be very painful because there's a 1 in 4 chance it's going to have Prince Charles' ears." - Craig Ferguson
The best tweet (as seen at www.huffingtonpost.ca):
Professor Snape @_Snape_: Dear William & Kate: If William is 100% royal and Princess Kate is 0% royal, will that make your son a half-blood prince?
Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.