published Thursday, March 7th, 2013

Laugh Lines

DAVE LETTERMAN'S TOP 10

Top 10 Amish-themed television shows:

10. “Churn Your Enthusiasm”

9. “Not-So-Modern Family”

8. “Cash Buggy”

7. “That 1870s Show”

6. “I Dream of Electricity”

5. “Battlebarn Lancastica”

4. “Win, Lose or Plow”

3. “AMASH”

2. “How I Met My Second Cousin”

1. “Two and a Half Mennonites”

Source: “Late Show With David Letterman”

Still heroic

One dark night in a small town, a fire starts inside the local sausage factory. In a blink, the building is engulfed in flames. The alarm goes out to all the nearby fire departments.

When the first firefighters arrive on the scene, the president of the sausage company rushes to the fire chief and says, “All of our secret sausage recipes are in the vault in the center of the plant. They have to be saved, so I will donate $50,000 to the fire company that brings them out and delivers them to me.”

But the roaring flames hold the firefighters off.

Soon, more fire departments are called in as the situation grows more desperate. As the latest firefighters arrive, the president announces that the offer to extricate the secret recipes now is $100,000.

Suddenly from up the road, a lone siren is heard as another fire truck comes into sight. It is the fire engine from a neighboring town, where all of the volunteers are 65 and older.

To everyone’s amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these senior firefighters, passes fire engines parked outside the plant and drives straight into the middle of the inferno.

Outside, the other firefighters watch in amazement as the old-timers jump off and begin to fight the fire as if they are fighting to save their own lives. Within a short time, the old-timers have extinguished the fire and saved the secret recipes.

The grateful company president joyfully announces that for such a superhuman accomplishment, he is raising the reward to $200,000, and he walks over to personally thank each of the brave elderly firefighters.

A TV news crew that is on the scene rushes in to interview the 70-year-old fire chief. The reporter asks the chief, “What are you going to do with all that money?”

“Well,” he says, “the first thing we’re gonna do is fix the brakes on the fire truck.”

Doctor visit 1

A man walks into a medical office and says, “Doctor, you’ve got to help me! I think I’m a moth.’ ”

The doctor says, “What you need is a psychiatrist. I’m a dentist; I can’t help you.”

The man says, “ I know. But your light was on.”

Doctor visit 2

A woman tells a doctor, “You’ve got to help my husband. He thinks he’s a chicken.”

The doctor says, “How long has this been going on?”

She says, “Six months.”

The doctor says, “Six months! Why did you wait so long?”

She says, “We needed the eggs.”

Keep praying

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over for dinner Friday night so he can meet her parents.

Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner, she would like to fool around for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic but also a little nervous because he has no experience in this area. He knows, though, that he should have protection, so he goes to the pharmacy. He tells the pharmacist it’s his first time, and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about sexual relations and family planning.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he’d like to buy, a three-pack, a 10-pack or a family pack.

The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl’s parents house, and the girlfriend meets him at the door. “I’m so excited for you to meet my parents,” she tells him. “Come on in!”

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table, where the girl’s parents are seated.

The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

Ten minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, “I had no idea you were this religious.”

He whispers back, “I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.”

Language barrier

A not so bright couple were delighted when their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end.

The adoption center called and told them that they had a wonderful Russian baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.

On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.

After they filled out the forms, the registration clerk inquired, “What ever possessed you to study Russian?”

The couple said proudly, “We just adopted a Russian baby, and in a year or so he’ll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him.”

Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.

about Lisa Denton...

Lisa Denton is deputy features editor and content editor of Current. She previously was a lifestyle, entertainment and region reporter/pod leader for The Chattanooga Times, which she joined in 1983. Lisa is from Sale Creek and holds an associate’s degree in journalism from Chattanooga State Community College. Contact Lisa at 423-757-6281 or ldenton@timesfreepress.com.

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