published Thursday, March 21st, 2013

Punch Lines

Eye-opening

An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard, and asked him, "Grampa, what is a couple sex?

The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she's old enough to know to ask the question then she's old enough to get a straight answer.

Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities that go along with it.

When he finished explaining, the little girl stood looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement. Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her, "Why did you ask this question, honey?

The little girl replied, "Well, Grandma says to tell you that dinner will be ready in just a couple secs."

That last wish

Three guys are stranded on a desert island. They find a lamp lying around, and sure enough, when they rub it a genie comes out.

It says, "I will grant each of you one wish."

The first guy says, "I wish I was in Hollywood with a bottle of wine in one hand and a beautiful woman in the other."

The genie waves his hand, and he vanishes.

The second guy says, "I wish I was in Cancun with unlimited credit."

Again, the genie waves his hand, and he vanishes, too.

The third guy looks around and says, "I wish I had my friends back."

Golfer's dilemma

Imagine you are a golfer playing in the finals of the club championship. After 17 holes, you and another golfer have a tie score.

You have the honors on the 18th hole. You hit the ball a modest 250 yards to the middle of the fairway, leaving a simple six-iron to the pin. Your opponent then hits his ball, lofting it deep into the woods to the right of the fairway.

Being the golfing gentleman that you are, you help your opponent look for his ball. Just before the permitted five-minute search period ends, your opponent says, "Go ahead and hit your second shot. If I don't find my ball in time, I'll concede the match."

You hit your ball, landing it on the green, stopping about 10 feet from the pin.

About the time your ball comes to rest, you hear your opponent exclaim from deep in the woods, "I found it!"

The second sound you hear is of a club striking a ball. The ball comes sailing out of the woods and lands on the green, stopping no more than 6 inches from the hole.

Here is the ethical dilemma:

Do you pull the cheating jerk's ball out of your pocket and confront him with it, or do you keep your mouth shut?

Four play

A little boy was attending his first wedding.

After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"

"Sixteen," the boy responded.

His cousin was amazed that he knew the answer so quickly.

"How did you know that?" he asked.

"Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the preacher said: 'Four better, four worse, four richer, four poorer.'

Simply mad

Two cows are talking in the field.

One cow says, "Have you heard about the mad cow disease that's going around?"

The other cow answers, "Yeah, makes you glad you're a penguin, doesn't it?"

Debate brewing

The customer says to the waiter, "Every day you charge me money for a cup of coffee. It would be wonderful if you served me coffee free of cost today."

The waiter says, "Every day, you drink coffee from a filled cup. It would be wonderful if you would drink it from an empty cup today."

Rest assured

The patient says, "Doctor, are you sure I'm suffering from pneumonia? I heard about a doctor who was treating someone for pneumonia and finally he died of typhus."

"Don't worry, it won't happen to you," the doctor says. "If I treat someone with pneumonia, he will die of pneumonia."

Dentist's thinking

The patient says to his dentist, "It must be tough spending all day with your hands in people's mouths."

The dentist says, "It's not so bad. I just imagine I have my hands in their wallets."

Knows she nosy

When the man came home, his wife was crying.

"Your mother insulted me," she sobbed.

"My mother? How could she do that when she is on vacation on the other side of the world?" the man asked.

The wife said, "This morning, a letter addressed to you came in the mail. I was curious, so I opened it."

"And?"

"It was from your mother. At the end, she wrote, 'Dear Diane, when you have finished reading this letter, don't forget to give it to my son.' "

Laugh Lines is compiled from several sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.

about Lisa Denton...

Lisa Denton is deputy features editor and content editor of Current. She previously was a lifestyle, entertainment and region reporter/pod leader for The Chattanooga Times, which she joined in 1983. Lisa is from Sale Creek and holds an associate’s degree in journalism from Chattanooga State Community College. Contact Lisa at 423-757-6281 or ldenton@timesfreepress.com.

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