DAVE LETTERMAN'S TOP 10
Top 10 things you don't want to hear from the person sitting next to you on a plane:10. "I'm gonna need more than one air sickness bag."9. "I've been watching you sleep."8. "1,894 miles to go ... 1,893 miles to go ... 1,892 miles to go ..."7. Technically, I'm supposed to be piloting this thing."6. "If you say "Boeing' enough times, it begins to sound like you're bouncing: 'Boeing, Boeing, Boeing ...' "5. "Now that I think about it, I definitely didn't pack my own bag."4. "Sardine?"3. "Excuse me for a minute while I light my underpants."2. "The last time I flew, I had to be restrained" (photo of a guy restrained on an airplane).1. "Am I squeezing your leg too hard?"Source: "Late Show With David Letterman"
New translation
Washington State has passed laws legalizing marijuana and gay marriage. Some say the decision to do both actually makes perfect biblical sense because Leviticus 20:13 says, "If a man lies with another man, they should be stoned."
Apparently, that verse just hadn't been interpreted correctly before.
Getting older
Getting older has advantages and disadvantages. Such as:
• Your kids are becoming you, but your grandchildren are perfect.
• Going out is good. Coming home is better.
• You forget names, but it's OK because other people forgot they even knew you.
• You realize you're never going to be really good at anything, especially golf.
• The things you used to care to do you no longer care to do, but you really do care that you don't care to do them anymore.
• You sleep better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring than in bed. It's called "presleep."
• You miss the days when everything worked with just an "On" and "Off" switch.
• You tend to use more four-letter words: "What?"... "When?"
• Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, it's not safe to wear it anywhere.
• You notice everything they sell in stores is sleeveless.
• What used to be freckles are now liver spots.
• Everybody whispers.
• You have three sizes of clothes in your closet, two of which you will never wear.
Dumb blond men
A friend tells the blond man: "Christmas is on a Friday this year."
The blond man says, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
Two blond men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station.
One asks, "What if one explodes before we get there?"
The other says, "We'll lie and say we only found two."
A blond man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts, "Did you find the shampoo?"
He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do. It's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."
A blond man goes to the vet with his goldfish.
"I think it's got epilepsy," he tells the vet.
The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me."
The blond man says, "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet."
A blond man spies a letter lying on his doormat.
It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND."
He spends the next two hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
A blond man shouts frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the doctor.
"No!" he shouts. "This is her husband!"
A blond man's dog goes missing, and he is frantic.
His wife says "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?"
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.
He says, "Here boy!"
A blond man is in jail. A guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
"Just what are you doing?" the guard asks.
"Hanging myself," the blond replies.
"It should be around your neck" says the guard.
"I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe."
An Italian tourist asks a blond man: "Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
The blond man replies: "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."
Current events
From http://politicalhumor.about.com:
Mark Sanford:
• "Former South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford is the guy who told his wife he was going for a hike and then went to Argentina to see his girlfriend. He was then exposed as an unethical, lying, cheating weasel. In a stunning comeback, he has been elected to Congress, where he'll fit right in." - Jay Leno
• "In South Carolina, former Governor Mark Sanford won a congressional seat after dragging around and debating a cardboard cutout of Nancy Pelosi. Then someone explained that was Nancy Pelosi." - Conan O'Brien
The Clintons:
• "Bill Clinton was being interviewed recently, and he said that despite all the speculation, Hillary hasn't said anything to him about running for president in 2016. Though in fairness, she hasn't said anything to him since 1998." - Jimmy Fallon
• "When asked if Hillary Clinton will run for president, Bill Clinton said, 'She's having a little fun being a private citizen.' And then he added, 'Not Bill Clinton fun, but fun nonetheless." - Conan O'Brien
Boston bombers:
• "Investigators are saying that on the night Dzhokhar Tsarnaev's picture was first made public, one of his college friends ... texted Tsarnaev joking that he looked like one of the suspects. You know, when they say, "If you see something, say something," they don't mean TO the terrorist." - Seth Meyers
Government aid:
• "New predictions claim that 42 percent of Americans will be obese by the year 2030. They say the only way to stop it is for government to step in. Oh, yeah, that will work. When it comes to trimming the fat and tightening your belt, who knows better than the U.S. government?" - Jay Leno
The economy:
• "The stock market is at an all-time high. People at home are saying, 'Well, that would be great if I had a job.'" - David Letterman
Al Gore:
• "According to Forbes magazine, Al Gore is now worth more than $200 million. This is what Gore meant when he talked about going green." - Jay Leno
Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.