published Thursday, November 28th, 2013

Punchlines

Top 10 least popular breakfast cereals

10. Trix With Ticks

9. Inflamed, Grape-Colored Nuts

8. Cap’N Schettino Crunch

7. Average K

6. Spacklin’ Oat Bran

5. Honey Combovers

4. Rashi

3. Richie Incognit-O’s

2. Fruity Gerbils

1. Premarital Chex

Source: “Late Show With David Letterman”

Status quo

A shopper is picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but can’t find one big enough for her family.

She asks a stock boy, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?”

He says, “No, ma’am, they’re dead.”

Daily double

It’s the day before Thanksgiving, and the butcher is just locking up when a man begins pounding on the front door.

“Please let me in,” the man pleads. “I forgot to buy a turkey, and my wife will kill me if I don’t come home with one.”

“OK,” says the butcher. “Let me see what I have left.”

He goes into the freezer and discovers there’s one last scrawny turkey left. He brings it out to show the man.

“That one’s too skinny. What else you got?” says the man.

The butcher takes the bird back into the freezer, waits a few minutes and then brings the same turkey back out to the man.

“Oh, no,” says the man. “That one doesn’t look any better. You better give me both of them.”

Riddles

Q: What do hippies put on their turkey and dressing?

A: Groovy.

Q: Why did the cranberries turn red?

A: Because they saw the turkey dressing.

Q: Why do pilgrims’ pants always fall down?

A: Because they wear their belt buckles on their hats.

Q: Why did the farmer separate the chicken and the turkey?

A: He sensed fowl play.

Q: What happened when the turkey got into a fight?

A: He got the stuffing knocked out of him.

Q: Which side of the turkey has the most feathers?

A: The outside.

Q: Why did the turkey cross the road?

A: Because it was the chicken’s day off.

Q: What do you get when you cross a turkey with an octopus?

A: Plenty of drumsticks for Thanksgiving.

Q: What smells the best at Thanksgiving?

A: Your nose.

Q: What’s the best thing to put into a pumpkin pie?

A: Your teeth.

Q: Why did the pilgrim eat a candle?

A: He wanted a light snack.

Q: Why did the pilgrims eat turkey for Thanksgiving?

A: They couldn’t get the moose in the oven.

Q: What do you do after eating way too much turkey and dressing?

A: Have dessert, of course.

Lesson learned

A man buys a parrot, only to have it constantly insult him. He tries everything to make the parrot stop, but nothing works. Frustrated, the man puts the parrot in the freezer.

For a few minutes, he can hear the parrot inside the freezer still hurling insults at him. Then suddenly all is quiet.

The man fears he might have killed the parrot, so he opens the freezer and sees that the parrot is still alive but wide-eyed and shivering.

He takes the parrot out of the freezer and places him on the counter.

The parrot cocks one eye up at the man and stammers, “S-s-sorry for being r-r-rude. Please f-f-forgive me.”

“Oh, well, of course,” says the man, surprised that this quick trip to the freezer has been so effective.

“B-b-by the w-way,” says the parrot. “W-w-what exactly d-d-did the turkey do?”

Marketing

A small-business owner was dismayed when a new corporate chain much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign that read: Best Black Friday Deals.

He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading: Lowest Black Friday Prices.

The businessman panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop. It read: Main Entrance.

Stuffed and mounted

Young Michael is sitting in his grandmother’s kitchen, watching her prepare the Thanksgiving meal.

“What are you doing?” Michael asks.

“Oh, I’m just stuffing the turkey,” his grandmother replies.

“Wow, that’s cool,” says Michael. “Are you going to hang it next to the deer?”

Wing it

A poultry farmer was experimenting to breed turkeys with more legs for greater profits. Finally, he succeeded.

He raved to his friends, “I’ve done it. I’ve done it. I finally bred a turkey with six legs!”

“That’s wonderful news,” said one. “How does it taste?”

The man said, “I don’t know. I haven’t been able to catch it.”

Quotes of note

* “Thanksgiving, when the Indians said, ‘Well, this has been fun, but we know you have a long voyage back to England.” — Jay Leno

* “You know that just before that first Thanksgiving dinner there was one wise, old Native American woman saying, ‘Don’t feed them. If you feed them, they’ll never leave.’” — Dylan Brody

* “When I was a kid in Indiana, we thought it would be fun to get a turkey a year ahead of time and feed it and so on for the following Thanksgiving. But by the time Thanksgiving came around, we sort of thought of the turkey as a pet, so we ate the dog. Only kidding. It was the cat.” — David Letterman

* “Thanksgiving dinners take 18 hours to prepare. They are consumed in 12 minutes. [Football] halftimes take 12 minutes. This is not coincidence.” — Erma Bombeck

* “Thanksgiving is the day when you turn to another family member and say, ‘How long has Mom been drinking like this?’ My Mom, after six Bloody Marys, looks at the turkey and goes, ‘Here, kitty, kitty.’” — David Letterman

* “At Thanksgiving, my mom always makes too much food, especially one item, like 700 or 800 pounds of sweet potatoes. She’s got to push it during the meal. ‘Did you get some sweet potatoes? There’s sweet potatoes. They’re hot. There’s more in the oven, some more in the garage. The rest are at the Johnson’s.’” — Louie Anderson

* “You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.” — Jay Leno

* “Thanksgiving is an emotional time. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.” — Johnny Carson

* “Coexistence … what the farmer does with the turkey — until Thanksgiving.” — Mike Connolly

* “What we’re really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?” — Erma Bombeck

* “An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.” — Irv Kupcinet

Thanksgiving toast

May your stuffing be tasty

May your turkey plump,

May your potatoes and gravy

Have nary a lump.

May your yams be delicious

And your pies take the prize,

And may your Thanksgiving dinner

Stay off your thighs!

Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.

about Lisa Denton...

Lisa Denton is deputy features editor and content editor of Current. She previously was a lifestyle, entertainment and region reporter/pod leader for The Chattanooga Times, which she joined in 1983. Lisa is from Sale Creek and holds an associate’s degree in journalism from Chattanooga State Community College. Contact Lisa at 423-757-6281 or ldenton@timesfreepress.com.

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