published Thursday, October 10th, 2013

Punchlines

Grocery puzzle

A wife asks her husband, “Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and, if they have avocados, get six.

A short time later the husband comes back with six cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, “Why did you buy six cartons of milk?”

He replies, “They had avocados.”

Overflow

A woman tells her husband, “There is trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor.”

The husband says, “Water in the carburetor? That’s ridiculous.”

But the wife insists: “I tell you the car has water in the carburetor.”

The husband, still skeptical, tells her, “You don’t even know what a carburetor is. I’ll check it out. Where’s the car?”

She says, “In the pool.”

Frightening statistic

Scientists report that 25 percent of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness.

Which means 75 percent are running around untreated.

Make him pay

After a terrible argument with her husband, the wife called her mother and said, “We’re fighting all the time. I am coming to live with you.”

The mother said, “No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with you.”

Go on

A hesitant driver, waiting for a traffic jam to clear, comes to a complete stop on the freeway on-ramp.

The traffic thins, but the driver still waits.

Finally a furious voice from the vehicle behind him cries, “Hey, fellow! The sign says, ‘Yield,’ not ‘surrender!’ “

Here after

Fred’s convertible glided to a halt on the edge of a lonely country road.

“I suppose,” said his pretty but reluctant date, “you’re going to pull the old ‘out of gas’ routine.”

“No,” said Fred, “I’m going to pull the ‘here after’ routine.”

“The ‘here after’ routine? What’s that?” she wanted to know.

Fred said, “If you’re not here after what I’m here after, you’ll be here after I’m gone!”

So long

A couple are lying in bed. The man says, “I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.”

The woman replies, “I’ll miss you.”

Accidental meeting

Over dinner, Jill said to John, “I met this horrible and rude man downtown this morning, and right away I knew he was a troublemaker. He started to insult me. He used really bad language. He even threatened me with bodily harm.”

“How did you meet this fellow?” John asked, very concerned.

Jill said, “Well, we met by accident. I hit him with the car.”

Quiz time

Q: What’s the difference between a cheetah and a comma?

A: One has claws at the end of its paws. The other has a pause at the end of its clause.

Q: What do you get when a tyrannosaurus running eastward at 25 mph meets a tyrannosaurus running westward at 15 mph?

A: Tyrannosaurus wrecks.

Q: Did you know that tyrannosaurus can’t hurt you if you’re carrying a torch?

A: It depends on how fast you carry it.

Q: What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it?

A: Nothing. It just let out a little whine.

Q: What do you get when you cross a parrot with a centipede?

A: A walkie-talkie.

Q: How do you tell the difference between a can of chicken soup and a can of tomato soup?

A: Read the label.

Breathe it in

You know how a man’s heart rate will quicken, he’ll go weak in the knees, his throat will get dry and he’ll think irrationally when a woman wears leather clothing?

It’s because she smells like a new truck.

Current events

From politicalhumor.about.com:

* “How many are worried about a government shutdown? How many are more worried about it starting back up?” — Jay Leno

* “I’m glad the government has shut down. Think about it. For the first time in years it’s safe to talk on the phone and send emails without anybody listening in.” — Jay Leno

* “To be honest, I didn’t notice the government was shut down today. But the 800,000 government employees who had their hours cut or jobs taken away definitely did. But the good news is Congress is still getting paid.” — Jimmy Kimmel

* “After Congress failed to reach an agreement on a new spending bill, the federal government officially shut down. So roads won’t get fixed, public employees won’t be able to help you, and getting a federal loan for a house will be very difficult — but there will also be a lot of differences.” — Jimmy Fallon

* “There are reports that several members of Congress were actually drinking last night while they were debating the bill that could have avoided the government shutdown. Which explains that one part where they said, ‘The floor recognizes the representative from Margaritaville!’” — Jimmy Fallon

* “Almost a million nonessential government employees were let go. Well, isn’t that the problem, that there’s that many nonessential employees?” — David Letterman

* “Even the NSA is out of business. And while they’re closed, while the government is shut down, they are asking citizens to please spy on each other.” — David Letterman

Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.

about Lisa Denton...

Lisa Denton is deputy features editor and content editor of Current. She previously was a lifestyle, entertainment and region reporter/pod leader for The Chattanooga Times, which she joined in 1983. Lisa is from Sale Creek and holds an associate’s degree in journalism from Chattanooga State Community College. Contact Lisa at 423-757-6281 or ldenton@timesfreepress.com.

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