Return on investment

One beautiful Sunday morning, a priest announced to his congregation, "My good people, I have here in my hands three sermons: a $500 sermon that lasts five minutes, a $300 sermon that lasts 15 minutes and a $50 sermon that last a full hour. Now we'll take the collection and see which one I'll deliver."

Off message

A father and son are fishing alongside a gravel road when an unfamiliar car drives by.

The father holds up a sign that says, "The End Is Near," and yells, "Turn yourself around before it's too late."

The driver yells out the window, "Leave us alone, you religious nut."

All of a sudden, they hear a big splash. The boy says to his father, "You think maybe we should write "Bridge Out" on that sign?"

Divine division

An atheist, a priest and a bishop are standing around and talking, and the priest and bishop start arguing about how the collection should be divided.

The bishop angrily tells the priest, "Look, you draw a circle on the ground, throw the money up into the air, and whatever lands inside the circle goes to the church, and whatever is outside belongs to you."

The priest, of course, disagrees completely. "You simpleton, it's exactly the opposite! You draw the circle and throw the money like you said, but what lands inside the circle is yours and the stuff outside goes to the church."

The atheist, who has grown tired of their arguing, decides to put an end to their petty debate.

"What I'd do if I were you," he says, "is throw the money up into the air, and let God take what he wants."

Look-alike

A woman sitting alone at a bar becomes a little concerned when a completely inebriated man continues to stare at her. Finally, he walks up and, without warning, begins fondling her. She, of course, jumps up and slaps him silly.

He apologizes immediately. "I'm so sorry," he says. "I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."

With that, she screams out a multitude of insults, ending with "you drunken, worthless, insufferable jerk" (or words to that effect).

"Wow," he mutters, "you even sound exactly like her."

Current events

From politicalhumor.about.com:

• "President Obama warned that the government could shut down in two weeks. Obama added, 'Not because of a budget impasse but because we'll all be watching the last episode of 'Breaking Bad.'" -- Conan O'Brien

• "Senate leaders Harry Reid and Mitch McConnell admitted they have no Plan B if the House doesn't avoid a government shutdown. Of course this raised a lot of questions, like: Since when did they have a Plan A?" -- Jimmy Fallon

• "Brazil's President Dilma Rousseff is apparently so mad over the NSA's spying scandal that she has canceled her trip to the White House next month. Of course it didn't help when Brazil called to say they weren't coming and the White House was like, 'Yeah, we heard.'" -- Jimmy Fallon

• "Cher has turned down an invitation to sing at the 2014 Olympics in Russia because of Russia's anti-gay laws. Their anti-gay laws are so strict, men can be arrested just for showing up at a Cher concert." -- Jay Leno

• "You know, if I wanted to pick out one thing that best exemplifies our country's peculiar relationship with guns, it's that the phrase 'minor shooting incident' exists." -- Jon Stewart on reports that the Navy Yard shooter was previously in involved in minor shooting incidents

• "According to a new report, over the last three years Social Security overpaid by $1.29 billion -- thus establishing itself as the federal government's most efficient program." -- Jay Leno

• "This would be simple if we had a Republican president because a Republican president could get a Republican Congress to bomb Sea World." -- Bill Maher on President Obama's position on Syria

• "The last couple of weeks have been very tough for Republicans because of course they always have to call for the opposite of whatever Obama is saying or doing. And this has been hard when Obama himself has been changing his mind pretty much on a daily basis. First he was against the bombing; of course they were for it. Then he was for the bombing; now they're against it. Now there's a peace plan on the table, and the same Republicans who were saying he was acting too rash to call for strikes on Syria are now calling him a wimp for going with the diplomacy. They say in the end, whether he chooses war or peace, the hard truth is either way he is still inarguably, hopelessly black." -- Bill Maher

• "It should be in the dictionary: 'Black-track,' the act of changing one's mind because President Obama has agreed with you. See also: 'Pulling a one-hatey,' or the 'Kenyan boomerang.'" -- Bill Maher

• "A Senate panel working on laws to protect the media has agreed on an official definition of a journalist. The new official definition of a journalist is a blogger wearing pants." -- Conan O'Brien

• "Russian President Vladimir Putin actually wrote an Op-Ed piece in The New York Times where he said it's dangerous for Americans to see themselves as 'exceptional.' Then he said, 'Except for that Justin Timberlake. That guy is amazing.'" -- Jimmy Fallon

• "Putin said it's dangerous for Americans to see themselves as 'exceptional' and said that, quote, 'God created us equal.' Then he got back to arresting people for being gay." -- Jimmy Fallon

Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.