published Thursday, April 3rd, 2014

PunchLines

Dave Letterman's Top 10

Top 10 things overheard in line for the cupcake ATM

10. “A cupcake-dispensing machine — take that, China!”

9. “Finally — a fast way to get unhealthy food.”

8. “Nothing comes out of an ATM that I won’t eat.”

7. “My pin number is also my cholesterol level.”

6. “Everyone here smells like weed.”

5. “I miss talking to a cupcake teller.”

4. “(Darn) frosting fees.”

3. “Go ahead and eat the receipt!”

2. “Quit licking the slot.”

1. “Wait your turn, Governor Christie.”

Source: “Late Show With David Letterman”

Topsy-turvy

A man walks into a doctor’s office with a duck on his head.

The doctor says, “May I help you?”

The duck says, “Yeah, could you get this man off my tail feathers?”

New management

A man walks into a bar and sees a horse behind the counter, cleaning the glasses. The horse sees him staring and says, “What’s your problem, bub? You’ve never seen a horse tending bar before?”

The man says, “No, I just never thought the parrot would sell this place.”

Checkpoint

A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police.

“What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?” asks the cop.

“I’m a juggler, and I juggle flaming torches in my act.”

“Oh yeah?” says the doubtful cop. “Lets see you do it.”

The juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully.

A couple driving by slow down to watch. “Wow,” says the driver to his wife. “I’m glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they’re giving now.”

Bachelor cookbook

As two confirmed bachelors sit talking, their conversation drifts from politics to cooking.

“I got a cookbook once,” says one, “but I could never do anything with it.”

“Too many complicated steps in the recipes?” asks the other.

“You said it. Every one began the same way: ‘Take a clean dish.’ ”

Free beer

A drunk walks into a tavern and approaches the bar. The bartender says, “What’ll it be?”

He replies, “Free beer all around!”

So the bartender sets up a cold one for everyone in the bar.

Then the drunk says, “I’ll have a shot and a beer, and get a shot and a beer for yourself since you are so nice.”

So the bartender pours a couple of shots and two more drafts.

The drunk downs his shot and follows it with a swallow of his draft.

The bartender follows suit and then says, “That’ll be $48.50 please.”

The drunk responds, “I don’t have any money.”

With that, the bartender jumps over the bar and throws the guy out, kicking him in the rear on his way out the door. The drunk lands face down on the sidewalk.

A little while later, the drunk returns. The bartender says,” What are you doing back here?”

The drunk responds, “Free beer for everyone, and I’ll take a shot and a beer, too.

But don’t pour one for yourself. You get mean when you drink.”

Irreconcilable

A man and woman are having marriage problems and decide to end their union after a very short time together.

After a most brief attempt to reconcile, the couple go to court to finalize their breakup.

The judge asks the husband, “What has brought you to the point that you are now at, where you are not able to keep this marriage together?”

The husband says, “In the six weeks we’ve been together, we haven’t been able to agree on one thing.”

The wife says, “Seven weeks.”

Diet dilemma

A college student home for spring break decides to make a sandwich. When she opens the refrigerator, she sees that taped to the inside of the door is a rather risque picture of a lovely, slender, perfectly built, but scantily clad young woman.

“Mom, what’s this?” she asks.

“Oh, I put that up there to remind me not to overeat,” Mom answers.

“Is it working?” the daughter asks.

“Yes and no,” she explains. “I’ve lost 15 pounds, but your dad has gained 20.”

Learning curve

A manager of a retail clothing store is reviewing a potential employee’s application and notices that the man has never worked in retail before. He says to the man, “For a man with no experience, you are certainly asking for a high wage.”

“Well sir,” the applicant replies, “the work is so much harder when you don’t know what you’re doing.”

Polishing apples

A young man asks an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingers his expensive wool vest and says, “Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.

“I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for 10 cents.

“The next morning, I invested those 10 cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5 p.m. for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I’d accumulated a fortune of $9.80.

“Then my wife’s father died and left us $2 million.”

Saving lives

A college physics professor is explaining a particularly complicated concept to his class when a pre-med student interrupts him.

“Why do we have to learn this stuff?” the young man blurts out.

“To save lives,” the professor answers before continuing the lecture.

A few minutes later, the student speaks up again. “So how does physics save lives?”

The professor assesses the student for a few moment, then replies, “Physics saves lives because it keeps the idiots out of medical school.”

Large charge

A guy goes into a restaurant wearing a shirt open at the collar and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to gain admission.

So the guy goes out to his car to see if he can find one. He checks the back seat and the trunk, but there’s no necktie to be found. He does discover a set of jumper cables in the trunk, and that gives him an idea.

In desperation, he ties the jumper cables around his neck, even manages to fashion a fairly acceptable-looking knot and lets the ends dangle free.

He goes back to the restaurant. The bouncer carefully looks him over for a few minutes and then says, “Well, OK, I guess you can come in.

“Just don’t start anything.”

Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submission and websites. Origins are included when known.

about Lisa Denton...

Lisa Denton is deputy features editor and content editor of Current. She previously was a lifestyle, entertainment and region reporter/pod leader for The Chattanooga Times, which she joined in 1983. Lisa is from Sale Creek and holds an associate’s degree in journalism from Chattanooga State Community College. Contact Lisa at 423-757-6281 or ldenton@timesfreepress.com.

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