published Thursday, January 16th, 2014

Laugh Lines

Top 10 highlights of the Chris Christie press conference

10 Shocking revel-ation of corruption in New Jersey?

9 Blamed the whole thing on getting drunk with Dennis Rodman.

8 More profanity than “The Wolf of Wall Street.”

7 Claimed his heart was broken but acknowledged it might be obesity-related.

6 Said he wasn’t a bully, then put Chris Matthews in a headlock.

5 Christie’s claim he had no idea a bridge connected New Jersey and New York.

4 An appearance by the fake sign-language guy.

3 Boldly took responsibility by blaming everyone but himself.

2 Announced plans to execute his uncle.

1Interrupted press conference to smoke crack.

Source: “Late Show With David Letterman”

Where there’s a will …

Bill Larson says:

I know you have been lying awake at night wondering why baby diapers have brand names such as Luvs, Huggies and Pampers, while undergarments for old people are called Depends.

Well, here is the lowdown on the whole thing.

When babies go in their pants, people are still gonna Luv’em, Hug’em and Pamper’em.

When old people go in their pants, it Depends on who’s in the will.

Well, naturally

Leland Parrott says:

A Yankee is traveling in the South and stops at The Coffee Cup for breakfast and orders bacon and scrambled eggs.

Lurleen tells him she’s sorry, but she can’t serve him bacon and eggs that day.

He replies, “Oh, you must be out of eggs.”

“Oh no,” she says, “we have plenty of eggs.”

“Oh, then you must be out of bacon,” he says.

“No,” she says, “we have plenty of bacon. We are out of grits!”

Dogged pursuit

Tillie Daniels says her sister called from Florida to tell her this one:

A dog walks into a bar. He has a terrible limp, and he’s wearing a belt holstering two big guns. Slowly, he makes his way toward the bartender, labored step by labored step. The wary crowd parts to let him through.

He looks around the room and says, “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”

Number crunch

Jim Griffin of Chickamauga, Ga., says he’s retired now, “but when I was working, I asked my boss for a day off, and this was his reply.”

So you want a day off. Let’s look at what you are asking for.

Based on a 40-hour workweek, and based on a day consisting of 24 hours, you only work 1.5 full days a week. A working year would consist of 2,080 hours, which would amount to 86.5 days a year that you are available for work.

We give you six paid holidays a year, including your birthday, which brings the total to 80.5 days that you are available for work.

We give you five days’ sick pay, which brings this total to 75.5 days that you are available for work.

You receive two 10-minute breaks a day, which amounts to 24 days and brings this total to 51.5 days that you are available for work.

We give you a one-hour lunch break every day, which amounts to 45.5 days and brings the total to six days that you are available for work.

We give you five days’ vacation and brings the total to one day that you are available for work, and you cannot have this day off.

Imponderables

An email correspondent wonders:

Why do supermarkets make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front?

Why do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a diet drink?

Why do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters?

Why do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in our driveways and put our useless junk in the garage?

Why does the sun lighten our hair but darken our skin?

Why don’t you ever see the headline ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?

Why is ‘abbreviated’ such a long word?

Why is it that doctors and attorneys call what they do ‘practice’?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavoring and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Current events

From politicalhumor.about.com:

“Chris Christie is dealing with a scandal after it was revealed that a top aide shut down access to the George Washington Bridge to get back at a mayor for not endorsing him. Christie was furious when they blocked the bridge. He thought they said they were blocking the fridge.” — Jimmy Fallon

“Chris Christie held a press conference today to address the bridge scandal. He insisted that he is not a bully — and he will sit on anyone who says otherwise.” — Jimmy Fallon

“Somebody at Governor Christie’s office was involved in a traffic lane closure at the George Washington Bridge. It clogged up a major artery, causing a huge traffic jam. But Christie is denying any personal involvement. He said he was too busy clogging his own arteries at the time.” — Jay Leno

“Pundits are saying this could hurt his 2016 presidential campaign. The ironic thing is this: Now that Christie is denying everything he sounds even more presidential, doesn’t he?” — Jay Leno

“After his denial, Christie quickly left the news conference to deal with a more personal crisis: the Velveeta cheese shortage.” — Jay Leno

“It’s warming up a little bit here in the Northeast. The polar vortex has departed. It was supposed to leave Monday night, but it got stuck on the George Washington Bridge.” — David Letterman

“Chris Christie is embroiled in a scandal involving lane closures near the George Washington Bridge. The scandal could damage Christie’s chances of getting nominated for president in 2016, but he’ll probably bounce back. He seems like a pretty bouncy person.” — Jimmy Kimmel

“Clearly, somebody is getting thrown under the bus. Fortunately for them, the bus isn’t moving. It’s stuck in terrible traffic.” — Jon Stewart, on Chris Christie vowing to hold people in his administration responsible for the traffic scandal

Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.

about Lisa Denton...

Lisa Denton is deputy features editor and content editor of Current. She previously was a lifestyle, entertainment and region reporter/pod leader for The Chattanooga Times, which she joined in 1983. Lisa is from Sale Creek and holds an associate’s degree in journalism from Chattanooga State Community College. Contact Lisa at 423-757-6281 or ldenton@timesfreepress.com.

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