Punchlines

Things are looking up

One night at the dinner table, the wife commented, "When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger. Now you take the large one and leave me the smaller. You don't love me anymore."

"Nonsense, darling," replied the husband, "you just cook better now."

Vacation oopsy

"I'm sorry," said the clerk in the flower shop. "We don't have potted geraniums. Could you use African violets instead?"

The customer replied sadly, "No, it was geraniums my wife told me to water while she was gone."

Fish shtick

A customer at Green's Gourmet Grocery marvels at the proprietor's quick wit and intelligence.

"Tell me, Green, what makes you so smart?"

"I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone," Green replies, lowering his voice so the other shoppers won't hear. "But since you're a good and faithful customer, I'll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat enough of them, you'll be positively brilliant."

"You sell them here?" the customer asks.

"Only $4 apiece," says Green.

The customer buys three. A week later, he's back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn't any smarter.

"You didn't eat enough, " says Green. The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he's back and this time he's really angry.

"Hey, Green," he says, "you're selling me fish heads for $4 a piece when I can buy the whole fish for $2. You're ripping me off!"

"You see?" says Green. "You're smarter already."

Contemplative pause

A grizzly walks into a bar and sits down. He says to the bartender, "Can I have a rum and ............. Coke?"

The bartender says, "Sure, but what's with the big pause?"

The bear says, "These? I've had them since I was born."

Name-calling

An office manager at a pathologist's office fields calls from patients needing to discuss their medical bills. One irate woman demanded that the office manager describe every laboratory test on her statement.

Of course, the manager complied. Starting with the first test on the bill, she read, "No. 1, urinalysis..."

The woman interrupted at once. "I'm a what?"

Motley crew

After a worker was killed at a construction site, the police began their investigation. Based on past brushes with the law, many of the man's co-workers were considered prime suspects.

The electrician was suspected of wiretapping once, though he was never charged.

The carpenter thought he was a stud. He tried to frame another man one time.

The glazier went to great panes to conceal his past. He still claimed that he didn't do anything but had been framed.

The painter had a brush with the law several years ago.

The heating, ventilation and air-conditioning contractor was known to pack heat. He was arrested once but duct the charges.

The mason was suspect because he got stoned regularly.

The cabinet maker was an accomplished counter fitter.

The autopsy led the police to arrest the carpenter, who subsequently confessed. The evidence against him was irrefutable, because it was found that the workman, when he died, was hammered.

Trick question

A pastor was giving the children's message during church. For this part of the service, he would gather all the children around him and give a brief lesson before dismissing them for children's church.

On this particular Sunday, he was using squirrels for an object lesson on industry and preparation. He started out by saying, "I'm going to describe something, and I want you to raise your hand when you know what it is."

The children nodded eagerly.

"This thing lives in trees (pause) and eats nuts (pause)."

No hands went up.

"And it is gray (pause) and has a long bushy tail (pause)."

The children were looking at each other, but still no hands raised.

"And it jumps from branch to branch (pause) and chatters and flips its tail when it's excited (pause)."

Finally one little boy tentatively raised his hand.

The pastor breathed a sigh of relief and called on him.

"Well," said the boy, "I know the answer must be Jesus, but it sure sounds like a squirrel to me!"

Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.