published Thursday, March 13th, 2014

Punch Lines

Dave Letterman's Top 1

10 Cadaver-crombie & Fitch

9 Cold Stone Crematorium

8 Dead, Bath & Beyond

7 Williams- Sayonara

6 Victoria’s Casket

5 The Body Shop

4 H&M-Balmed

3 Dress Urn

2 Chuck E. Deceased

1 Eternal Sleepy’s

Coming attractions

Perhaps inspired by the new movie opening this weekend, “Tyler Perry’s The Single Moms Club,” an email correspondent, who shall remain nameless, has compiled a Top 20 list of the Least Popular Tyler Perry Movies.

20. “Snacks on a Plane: Madea Bankrupts Delta”

19. “Diary of a Mad Black Cow Disease”

18. “Aerosmith vs. Journey” (Oops! Sorry, that was Steven Tyler and Steve Perry)

17. “Days of Thunder Thighs: Madea’s NASCAR Adventure”

16. “Snakes on a Pew: Madea Goes to Church”

15. “Sisterhood of the Traveling Size 5XL Pants”

14. “Walking With Madea-saurs”

13. “Crocodile Dun-Madea: Madea Down Under”

12. “Harold and Kumardea Go to White Castle”

11. “Amadeas: Mozart’s Jungle Fever”

10. “Madeas of the Lost Ark”

9. “It’s a Madea, Madea, Madea, Madea World”

8. “The Bridges of Madea’s Own County”

7. “Teenage Mutant Madea Turtles”

6. “The Madeatrix Reloaded”

5. “Mommy Madearest”

4. “Cloudy With a Chance of Madeaballs 2”

3. “The Fast and the Madearious 2: Look at Yo Midrift”

2. “Around the World in Three Meals a Day: Madea’s Big Nutrisystem Adventure”

1. “Madea’s Big Family Reusable Diapers”

Maxine’s thoughts

Some wit and wisdom from Maxine, the crabby character from Hallmark’s Shoebox Greetings line:

-- Will you be bringing noisemakers to the St. Patrick’s Day Party? Or will you be hiring a sitter?

-- No green food for me. I get enough of that from my own fridge.

-- I actually saw a leprechaun once. After enough green beer, you see all kinds of things.

-- It’s OK to pretend we’re Irish on St. Patrick’s Day. We pretend we’re good on Christmas, don’t we?

-- May the wind at your back not be the result of the corned beef and cabbage you had for lunch.

-- If you find a four-leaf clover, it means you have entirely too much time on your hands.

-- Pinch me on St. Patrick’s Day, and the road’s gonna rise up to meet your face.

-- The luck o’ the Irish is fine … but I prefer the scowl o’ the crabby.

I must be Irish!

Q: How does every Irish joke start?

A: By looking over your shoulder.

More St. Paddy riddles

Q: Why can’t you borrow money from a leprechaun?

A: Because they’re always a little short.

Q: Why don’t you iron four-leaf clovers?

A: Because you don’t want to press your luck.

Q: What’s Irish and stays on your deck?

A: Paddy O’Furniture.

Q: How did the Irish jig get started?

A: Too much to drink and not enough bathrooms.

Q: What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control his wife?

A: A bachelor.

Q: What’s the main difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?

A: One less drunk at the party.

Q: When is an Irish potato not an Irish potato?

A: When it’s a french fry.

Rhyme time

From www.wackywits.com:

A jolly Irish fellow named Hugh

Was arrested for saying, “Look, snoo!”

“What’s snoo?” they would cry,

And he’d always reply,

“Oh, nothing, what’s snoo with you?”

And a couple from www.irish-expressions.com:

We were painting the church steeple gray

When the wind blew our brushes away.

We said to the pastor,

“Oh, what a disaster.”

But he simply replied, “Let us spray.”

A wonderful bird is the pelican.

His beak can hold more than his belly can.

He can hold in his beak

Enough food for a week!

But I’ll be darned if I know how the helican.

Introductions

Two women are getting acquainted.

Says one, “I married an Irishman on St. Patrick’s Day.”

“Oh, really?”

“No, O’Reilly.”

Confessions

Paddy and Abraham are talking.

Paddy says, “My priest knows more than your rabbi.”

Abraham says, “Of course, he does. You tell him everything.”

Fish and chips

Lost on a rainy Friday night, a priest stumbles into a monastery in Ireland and requests shelter there. Fortunately, he’s just in time for dinner and is treated to the best fish and chips he’s ever had.

After dinner, he goes into the kitchen to thank the chefs. He is met by two brothers.

“Hello, I’m Brother Michael, and this is Brother Paddy.”

“I’m very pleased to meet you,” says the priest. “I just wanted to thank you for the wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I’ve ever tasted. Out of curiosity, who cooked what?

Brother Michael replies, “Well, I’m the fish friar.”

The priest turns to Brother Paddy and says, “Then you must be …”

Brother Paddy nods and says, “Yes, that makes me the chip monk.”

Get going

Billy stops Paddy in Dublin and asks for the quickest way to Cork.

Paddy says, “Are you on foot or in the car?”

Billy says, “In the car.”

Paddy says, “That’s the quickest way.”

One at a time

An Irishman walks into a pub and orders two dozen martinis. With each drink, he removes the olives, places them in a jar and downs the martini. When the jar is filled and all the martinis consumed, he gets up to leave.

The bartender says, “Hey, wait a minute. Can I ask what that was all about?”

The Irishman replies, “My wife sent me out for a jar of olives.”

Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.

about Lisa Denton...

Lisa Denton is deputy features editor and content editor of Current. She previously was a lifestyle, entertainment and region reporter/pod leader for The Chattanooga Times, which she joined in 1983. Lisa is from Sale Creek and holds an associate’s degree in journalism from Chattanooga State Community College. Contact Lisa at 423-757-6281 or ldenton@timesfreepress.com.

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