Know your place
Remember the old insurance company message "Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there"?
A vendor at Merchants on Main has a similar, but better, sign. It reads: "Like a good neighbor, stay over there."
Fatal attractor
Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old John Deere tractor.
He performs a slow pirouette, then gently slides off the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and, in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.
Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay. Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What in the world are you doing, Billy Bob?"
"Good grief, Cletus, you scared the bejeebers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob. "But me and the wife been having trouble lately in the bedroom, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."
Hello, goodbye
Greetings to consider for your answering machine:
• "Hi. Now you say something."
• "I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks."
• "Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know who you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.
• "You know what I hate about answering-machine messages? They go on and on and on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, 'We aren't in, leave a message.' That's why I've decided to keep mine simple and short. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me ..."
• "Hello, this is Douglas. I'm not home right now, but I can take a message. Hang on a second while I get a pencil." (Background noise of opening a drawer and shuffling stuff around.) "OK, what would you like me to tell me?"
• "Hello. I'm Steve's answering machine. What are you?"
• "Ed's house, the final frontier. These are the messages of Ed's answering machine. Its five-year mission: to seek out your name and your telephone number. To boldly inform you to wait for the tone."
• (Loud noises upon pickup) "Hi, I'm a burglar and I was just about to steal Nancy's answering machine. If you give me your name and number I'll ... uh ... I'll post it on the fridge where she'll see it. By the way, do you know where she keeps the silver?"
• "The number you've dialed is purely imaginary. Please multiply by one and dial again."
• Hi, Ray's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets on my face here."
• "This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.
How-to
I bought a book on how to build stairs. It's a step-by-step guide.
Beware
Statistics say that 60 percent of women take medication for mental illness. Which means 40 percent aren't taking their medication.
Bad habits
Two guys are talking. One says, "My wife called me an alcoholic, and I was so taken aback I spilled my drink."
The other says, "Mine said I have disgusting habits. I was so shocked, I nearly choked on my toenail."
Mystery solved
A man was walking down the street when he saw center for psychiatric patients dead ahead. The building was surrounded by high walls so no one could climb them. Inside, there were lots of people loudly chanting, "51! 51! 51! 51! 51!"
The man was very curious as to why they were chanting this number, but there was no way he could see over the wall. Then he noticed a hole in the wall, right at eye level. He was thrilled that he could satisfy his curiosity.
So he sidled up to the hole and peered through it. Immediately, a loud cheer went up from inside, and a finger poked his eye.
Cursing under his breath, he jumped back from the wall as the people inside began to chant: "52! 52! 52! 52! 52!"
Musical riddles
Q: What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A: A flat minor.
Q: What do you get when you drop a piano on an Army base?
A: A flat major.
Don't forget
No matter how much you push an envelope ...
It will still be stationary.
Sigh
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
A broken pencil.
A broken pencil who?
Never mind ... it's pointless.
Bright side
I may be schizophrenic, but at least I have each other.
Make it a double
A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. Just as it's delivered, he realizes he needs to go to the bathroom. To stop anyone from stealing it, he puts a note on it that says, "I spat in this beer." When he returns, he finds another note that says, "So did I."
Set an example
A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. This new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers, and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.
The new CEO walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, "How much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young fellow replied, "$300. Why?"
The CEO then handed the guy $1,200 in cash and screamed, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now get out and don't come back."
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"
From across the room came a voice, "Pizza delivery guy."
Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.