Punchlines

Dave Letterman's Top 10Top 10 little-known departments at Walmart:10. Gay Pet Food9. Big & Tall Baby8. Men's Lingerie7. Flooring and Ceilinging6. Shower & Tub Camcorders5. Loungewear for Clergy4. Kmart Knockoffs3. Single-Use Furniture2. Sarcastic Jets Fan Gear1. Tools for Tools

Know your place

Remember the old insurance company message "Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there"?

A vendor at Merchants on Main has a similar, but better, sign. It reads: "Like a good neighbor, stay over there."

Opinions

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. It read: 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."

Something's missing

A mom was driving with her three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of them stood up and waved. She was stark naked. As mom reeled from the shock, her 5-year-old shouted from the back seat, "Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seatbelt!"

Hard knocks

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar.. During her struggle the phone rang, so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone.

"Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now," the child told the caller. "She's hitting the bottle."

Perfectly harmless

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with women grabbing towels and running for cover.

The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter? Haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'

Help, please

While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, a police officer was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old.

Looking up and down at his uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?"

"Yes," he answered and continued writing the report.

"My mother said if I ever needed help, I should ask the police. Is that right?"

"Yes, that's right," he told her.

"Well, then," she said, as she extended her foot toward him, "would you please tie my shoe?"

Captive canine

It was the end of the day when the officer parked his police van in front of the station. As he gathered his equipment, his K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and the officer saw a little boy staring in at them.

"Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked.

"It sure is," the cop replied.

Puzzled, the boy looked at the cop and then toward the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"

Jackpot

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, a man often took his 4-year-old daughter on his afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs.

One day, he found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass.

As he braced himself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this."

Party pooper

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she told him, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit."

"And why not, darling?"

"You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."

Funeral protocol

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, a minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.

The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Father and unto the Son and into the hole he goes."

Waste of time

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk."

Lost and found

A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible.

He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.

"Mama, look what I found," the boy called out.

"What is it, dear?"

With astonishment, the boy answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear."

Quickies

Q: What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?

A: It gets toad.

Q: What did the duck say when she bought lipstick?

A: Put it on my bill.

Q: What do you call a pig that does karate?

A: A pork chop.

The right place

Mr. and Mrs. Brown had two sons. One was named Mind Your Own Business and the other was named Trouble.

One day the two boys decided to play hide-and-seek. Trouble hid while Mind Your Own Business counted to 100. Mind Your Own Business began looking for his brother behind garbage cans and bushes.

Then he started looking in and under cars until a police man approached him and asked, "What are you doing?"

"Playing a game," the boy replied.

"What is your name?" the officer asked.

"Mind Your Own Business."

Furious the policeman inquired, "Are you looking for trouble?"

The boy replied, "Why, yes."

Say what?

A husband and wife were driving through Louisiana. As they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth, then they stopped for lunch.

At the counter, the husband asked the blonde waitress, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly?"

She leaned over the counter and said, "Burrr-gerrr Kiiing."

Bear minimum

A priest, a minister and a rabbi want to see who's best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear and attempt to convert it. Later they get together.

The priest begins: "When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his first communion."

"I found a bear by the stream," says the minister, "and preached God's holy Word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him."

They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast.

"Looking back," he says, "maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision."

Status report

After an hourlong parent/teacher conference discussing in detail the child's severe behavior issues, failing grades in every subject and total disrespect for all other children and adults, the parent turned to the teacher and said, "But other than that, he's doing OK, right?"

Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.

Upcoming Events