Mark KennedyToday's column is about crazy stuff dads eat.
A case in point: The other day I found myself eating crumbs from the bottom of a McDonald's bag.
Crumbs.
Upon closer inspection, I discovered the tiny fried morsels were actually remnants from my 7-year-old son's Chicken McNuggets, which he peels and eats like boiled shrimp. Yuck. I immediately ran to the bathroom, gargled and scraped my tongue with an emery board.
Dads, don't pretend you don't know what I'm talking about. It starts when your kids are toddlers, right? One day you are innocently eating Cheerios from a baggie and, the next thing you know, you're scarfing down McNugget peels. We dads are especially susceptible to this, because - like lap dogs and swine - we basically will eat anything.
I've made a list of crazy stuff dads eat based on personal experience. (If you are a member of Twitter, please join my new hashtag conversation at #stuffdadseat.)
• Jack dust: My boys go through breakfast cereal like horses through oats. As a result, there is always a nearly empty box of Apple Jacks in the cupboard.
As every dad knows, that last portion of Apple Jacks comes with a little bonus: about a tablespoon of sugary sediment I call Jack dust. It can turn your milk a dingy gray, but is otherwise harmless, according to scientists at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (But don't quote me on that.)
• Pop Tart shavings: Pop Tart shavings are the discarded edges of Pop Tarts. My boys demand that these be surgically removed - otherwise they will pinch them off and create an unholy mess.
Meanwhile, our poodle-mix Boise will fight me over these scraps. He jumps up and down like an insane teddy bear on a pogo stick until I hand them over. As for me, I use them to garnish my Jack dust.
• Mouse ears: If not for my kids, I would have probably never eaten a Mickey Premium Bar, a Disney World delicacy that's basically an Eskimo Pie with ears.
The first order of business when consuming at Micky Premium Bar is to bite off Mickeys ears, which I find strangely enjoyable. Don't judge me.
• Gator-swill: Plastic sports drink bottles collect in our refrigerator like Budweiser bottles at a frat house. For some reason, my boys think they are going to return at some point and drink that last ounce of liquid, which is basically half Gatorade and half spit.
Sometimes when I stumble into the kitchen at midnight for a cookie, I wash it down with this Gator-swill. It reminds of swallowing a cigarette butt from a nearly empty beer can, which I feel like I did several times in a previous lifetime.
• Lap-petizers: The next time you eat at Red Lobster, skip the appetizer and just eat all the stuff that falls into your kid's lap.
• Corn rows: Both my boys love corn on the cob as long as you cook it and then immediately slice the corn off the cob in their presence.
I know. Quirky, huh?
Squaring off a corn cob with a paring knife leaves a neat, single row of corn at each corner, which I am delighted to remove with chattering teeth like Tom Hanks nibbling on cocktail corn in "Big."
• Free Musketeers: These are the leftover chocolate Halloween treats that you discover hidden under your kids' beds on Christmas break. You may know these treasures better by their generic names - "bonus bars" and "handy candy."
• Pizza rinds: I never knew pizza had rind before we had kids. Funny, for 43 years I was under the impression that all parts of a pizza, except the box, are edible.
However, both of my sons believe the outer edges of pizza slices have cooties. Consequently, I try to do the socially responsible thing and recycle them into my gut.
Remember, now join me at #stuffdadseats.
... Because, well, children are our future and a rind is a terrible thing to waste.
Contact Mark Kennedy at mkennedy@timesfreepress.com or 423-757-6645. Follow him on Twitter @TFPCOLUMNIST. Subscribe to his Facebook updates at www.facebook.com/mkennedycolumnist. scientists at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (But don't quote me on that.)