Punchlines

DAVE LETTERMAN'S TOP 10Top 10 other products recently rejected by the Federal Trade Commission:10. Gold Bond medicated linguine9. Visine with bleach8. Pumpkin spice gasoline7. 32 percent milk6. The 400-pound desk5. Whisper-silent smoke alarm4. Home appendectomy kit3. Electric bathmat2. Inflatable Grandma1. White House entry catapultSource: "Late Show With David Letterman"

How's life?

• An old lady at the bank the other day asked if I could help her check her balance. So I pushed her over.

• I had a can of Pringles the other day but was very disappointed. There were only three in the pack, and they all tasted like tennis balls.

• This morning I made coffee using Red Bull instead of water. I got halfway to work before I realized I forgot my car.

Move on

A man calls animal welfare and says he's just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and four cubs.

"That's terrible," the woman on the phone says. "Are they moving?"

"I'm not sure," the man says. "But that would explain the suitcase."

Go back

This one is recommended to break the ice in a bar.

"There are two types of people in this world. Those who crave closure ..."

(Take a sip of your drink.)

"So what's your name?"

Quiz time

Q: Did you hear about the crab that went to the disco?

A: He pulled a mussel.

Q: Did you hear about the fire at the circus?

A: It was intense.

Q: What's red and bad for your teeth?

A: A brick.

Q: What did the cannibal get when he showed up late for dinner?

A: The cold shoulder.

Q: What did the fish say when he hit a wall?

A: Dam.

Q: What did the fish behind him say?

A: Dumb bass.

Accent

A man in a bar hears two women talking in British accents and says to them," Are you two ladies from Scotland?"

One woman fires back, "No, it's Wales, you idiot!"

So the man says, "OK, are you two whales from Scotland?"

Identity crisis

A guy walks into a dentist's office and says, "I think I'm a moth."

The dentist says, "You shouldn't be here. You should be seeing a psychiatrist."

The guy replies, "I am seeing a psychiatrist."

The dentist says, "Well, then, what are you doing here?"

The guy says, "Your light was on."

Quote master

Favorite observations from comedian Mitch Hedberg, compiled at www.buzzfeed.com.

• "Advil has a candy coating. It's delicious. And it says right on the bottle "Do not have more than two." Well then do not put a candy coating around it."

• "I had a job interview at an insurance company once, and the lady said 'Where do you see yourself in five years?' I said, 'Celebrating the fifth year anniversary of you asking me this question.'"

• "Gel's funny. You wash your hair, and then you put gel in it. It's like, it's clean now, let me [mess] it back up."

• "I didn't go to college, but if I did, I would have taken all my tests at a restaurant, because the customer is always right."

• I saw a commercial for an above-ground pool; it was 30 seconds long. You know why? Because that's the maximum amount of time you can depict yourself having fun in an above-ground pool."

• "I think animal crackers made people think all animals taste the same. What does a giraffe taste like? A hippopotamus!"

• "I got an oscillating fan at my house. The fan goes back and forth ... it looks like the fan is saying 'no.' So I like to ask it questions that a fan would say 'no' to. "Do you keep my hair in place?"

• "I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy, you know? Refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does, then you add 'er.'"

• "This product that was on TV; it said you can have this product for four easy payments of $19.95. I would like to have a product that was available for three easy payments and one complicated payment. We're not gonna tell you which one it is, but one of these payments is gonna be hard. "

• "I was walking down the street with my friend and he said, "I hear music" - as though there's any other way you can take it in."

• "I'm a mumbler. If I'm walking with a friend and I say something, he won't hear me, he'll say, 'What?' So I'll say it again, but once again, he doesn't hear me, so he says, 'What?!' But really, it's just some insignificant [stuff] that I'm saying, but now I'm yelling, 'That tree is far away!'"

• "A lot of death-metal bands have intense names, like Rigor Mortis or Mortuary or Obituary. We weren't that intense. We just went with Injured. Later on we changed it to Acapella - as we were walking out of the pawn shop."

•"I saw a band in LA and the band was having an off night and some people starting throwing tomatoes at the band. I thought, 'Who would throw a tomato at a band?' That's bad. But then I thought, 'Who would bring a tomato to a show?' That's even worse."

Current events

From politicalhumor.about.com:

• "After all the recent security breaches at the White House, Julia Pierson, the director of the Secret Service, resigned today. She said she'll miss being in the White House, but knowing the Secret Service, she should be able to come back any time she wants. The door is always open, literally." - Jimmy Fallon

• "The Secret Service let an armed ex-convict ride on the same elevator as President Obama. No word yet on which NFL player it was." - Conan O'Brien

• "Autumn is a beautiful time of year. At the White House, squirrels are rounding up nuts on the lawn, which is more than the Secret Service is doing." - David Letterman

• "Today the director of the Secret Service, Julia Pierson, resigned. She's being replaced by the White House's new state-of-the-art security system - a scarecrow." - Seth Meyers

• "Julia Pierson resigned, but she remained in good spirits on her way out. She even politely held the door for some weird guy who was coming in." - Seth Meyers

• "Security is so tight now that they've asked members of congress to circle the White House - because that way nothing will get past." - David Letterman

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