Hart: Wheels up, rings off

"Wheels up, rings off."

- Secret Service agents' mantra when traveling

In the wake of an ongoing series of embarrassing security breaches, Secret Service Director Julia Pierson resigned last week. She is thinking about going into some-thing new and exciting -- like security.

The fence jumper got so far into the White House that he ran into Hillary Clinton's decorator, measuring for new drapes. In addition, a member of the housekeeping staff found evidence that previously undiscovered gunshots had hit the building. Joe Biden was ruled out as the shooter, as he has no shot at the White House.

Joseph Clancy of Comcast Corp. was appointed to replace Pierson. Any knife-wielding White House intruders will now have to schedule their assaults "sometime between 9 a.m. and 2 p.m. on Tuesdays or Thursdays," then be frustrated into surrendering.

For those keeping score at home, pencil tips are snapping in frustration. The Secret Service is just another bloated federal agency, like the VA, that's spared from consequences and is even rewarded for incompetence with more money.

Remember the Colombia summit meetings in 2012, where 11 Secret Service advance agents got drunk at an expensive hotel and were being secretly serviced by local prostitutes?

Agents were sent home -- with pay, of course, unlike the hookers.

Secret Service agents also were sent home after an all-night bender in Amsterdam; one agent actually passed out in the hallway of their hotel.

And who investigates the CIA, IRS, TSA, the Federal Reserve, FBI or the Secret Service? When trouble bubbles up, they know all they have to do is say they are "looking into it," let one person, who is about 65, retire early and say they handled it until the mess disappears from the news in about a week. Then it's back to business as usual.

I am told by insiders that two things are hurting the Secret Service. First, it was moved from the Treasury Department to Homeland Security. Second, the agents doing the job are good, but their managers (and there are lots of them) are self-serving dolts, focused on promotion and a go-along-to-get-along attitude. It has long been an unwritten code among government workers at every agency in D.C. not to rat each other out. It might mess up their sweet, taxpayer-funded gig.

There are now more than 6,500 Secret Service employees, and we still have just one president. This over-the-top Praetorian Guard for our president should, like all parts of bloated government agencies, be trimmed back and made more efficient.

I understand why we need maybe a 1,000-person Secret Service whose agents remain skilled at what they do -- just in case we ever get a president we want to keep.

Every four years, agents are called upon to protect presidential candidates. Resources are assigned to candidates based on the importance put on them by, of course, the government. This will range from full Secret Service protection for Hillary Clinton to something less for Joe Biden, who will be given some nunchucks and told to "be careful out there."

Homeland Security head Jeh Johnson praised the resigned Julia Pierson for "30 years of distinguished service to the nation." She left knowing that, in the event she missed the White House, it would be easy to sneak back in any time.

Ron Hart is a syndicated op-ed humorist. Contact him at Ron@RonaldHart.com.

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