Punchlines

Dave Letterman's Top 10Top 10 least popular state fair attractions:10. Creamed corn maze9. Pie slicing competition8. Recently paroled clowns7. Ringworm toss6. Guy who guesses your credit score5. Mulch raffle4. Tie: Wheel of cheese carved out of butter/ Stick of butter carved out of cheese3. Cotton/rayon candy2. Pony handler rides1. New York Jets autograph signingSource: "Late Show With David Letterman"

Double hunchbacks

The story on Page H? about the Chattanooga Music Club's live-soundtrack screening of "The Phantom of the Opera" reminds us that star Lon Chaney also appeared in "The Hunchback of Notre Dame." Which reminds us of this joke:

Quasimodo, the famous bell ringer of Notre Dame, is in need of an assistant. He finally finds someone willing to do the job and takes him up to the bell tower to show him what to do.

He explains to the new assistant, "First you take the rope and pull it way, way back, as far as you can, and then you let go. But remember to jump out of the way really quickly, as quickly as possible, or you'll be knocked out the tower to your death by the bell."

So the assistant takes the rope, pulls it way, way back, as far as he can, and lets go.

Quasimodo shouts, "Get out of the way! Get out of the way!"

But alas, it's too late. The bell swings back and knocks the poor novice into the square below. Quasimodo rushes down the stairs to the plaza, where a crowd has gathered. Distressed and saddened, Quasimodo kneels over the body and begins to weep.

"Quasimodo, did you know this man?" asks someone in the crowd.

"No," replies the hunchback, "but his face rings a bell."

Of course, Quasimodo is still in need of an assistant, so he hires another man, who just happens to be the dead man's brother.

"Don't worry," says the brother, "I"m the smart one."

Quasimodo takes the man up to the tower and explains, "First you take the rope and pull it way, way back, as far as you can, and then you let it go. But remember to jump out of the way as quickly as possible, or else you will be knocked out of the tower to your death."

The new assistant says, "OK, piece of cake" and takes the rope. He pulls it way, way back, as far as he can and lets go.

Quasimodo shouts, "Get out of the way! Get out of the way!"

But it's too late. The bell swings back and knocks the man out of the tower to the cobblestones below. Quasimodo rushes down the stairs frantically and gets to the square, where he sees a crowd gathered around the body. Overcome with grief, the hunchback sits down and sobs.

"Quasimodo," asks someone in the crowd, "did you know this man?"

"No," says Quasimodo, "but he's a dead ringer for his brother."

Honest answers

An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" he wrote, "No."

The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the previous question, was "Why?"

The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."

Little squirts

When a 3-year-old opened a birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol.

He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink.

His mother was not so pleased. She turned to Grandma and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?"

Grandma smiled and said, "I remember."

Cover up

A man is having trouble sleeping because he's having such strange dreams. One night he dreams he's a tee-pee. The next night, he has the same dream, except this time he's a wigwam.

After several nights of having the same dream, over and over, he goes to a therapist. He tells the doctor about his dreams and asks what they mean.

The doctor replies, "Oh, that's easy. You're just too tense."

Busted

A young businessman has just started his own firm. He's rented a beautiful office and has furnished it with antiques. Sitting at his desk, he sees a man come into the outer office.

Wishing to appear busy, the businessman picks up the phone and pretends he has a big deal working. He throws huge figures around and makes giant boasts.

Finally he hangs up and calls out to the visitor, "Can I help you?"

The man says, "Yeah, I've come to install the phone."

Dim future

A lonely frog telephones the psychic hotline and asks what his future holds.

His personal psychic adviser tells him, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

The frog is delighted with this news,

"This is great! Will I meet her at a party?" he croaks.

"No," says the psychic, "in biology class."

Scram

A bar owner in the Old West has just hired a timid new bartender and is giving the new hire some instructions on running the place.

He tells the timid man, "If you ever hear that Big John is coming to town, drop everything and run for the hills! He's the meanest, biggest, nastiest outlaw who ever lived!"

A few weeks pass uneventfully. But one afternoon, a local cowhand comes running through town yelling, "Big John is coming to town! Run for your lives!"

When the bartender exits the saloon to start running, he's knocked to the ground by several townspeople scurrying to safety. As he picks himself up, he sees a large man approaching the saloon, close to 7 feet tall, muscular, grunting and growling as he walks.

He stomps up to the door, orders the poor barkeep inside, and demands, "I want a beer NOW!"

He pounds his heavy fist on the bar, splitting it in half. The bartender, his hands shaking, nervously hands the big man a beer. The man takes the beer, rips the top of the bottle off with his teeth and downs the beer in one gulp.

As the timid bartender cowers behind the bar, the big man gets up to leave.

"Do you want another beer?" the bartender calls out.

"Dang it, I don't have time!" the big man yells. "I gotta get out of town! Didn't ya hear Big John is coming?"

Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.

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