Punchlines

Letters to God (or Luther)

"Letters to God From the Dog" has been a mainstay on humor websites for years. In case God has been too busy to answer, we think Luther Masingill, the radio icon and dogs' best friend, who died Monday, can probably field these now. Rest in peace, Mr. Masingill.

• Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?

• Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it still the same old story?

• Dear God: Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray and the rabbit, but not one named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We do love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the Chrysler Eagle the Chrysler Beagle?

• Dear God: If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?

• Dear God: We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent IDs, electromagnetic energy fields and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?

• Dear God: More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

• Dear God: Are there mailmen in heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?

• Dear God: Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good dog.

1. I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.

2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc. just because I like the way they smell.

3. The litter box is not a cookie jar.

4. The sofa is not a face towel.

5. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.

6. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.

7. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is an unacceptable way of saying hello.

8. I don't need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm under the coffee table.

9. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.

10. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt.

11. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch.

12. The cat is not a squeaky toy so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.

P.S. Dear God: When I get to heaven, may I have my testicles back?

So long, Bearman

Also passing within the past week was Bearman (Benjamin Martin) from US101. One of the reader comments on David Carroll's book website, www.chattanoogaradiotv.com, remembered the funny banter between Bearman and his radio partner Ken Hicks, including "What hymn is mawmaw singing?"

Here are some job-specific versions for mawmaw to sing.

• Dentist's hymn: "Crown Him With Many Crowns"

• Weatherman: "There Shall Be Showers of Blessings"

• Contractor: "The Church's One Foundation"

• Tailor: "Holy, Holy, Holy"

• Golfer: "There's a Green Hill Far Away"

• Politician: "Standing on the Promises"

• Optometrist: "Open My Eyes That I Might See"

• IRS agent: "I Surrender All"

• Gossip: "Pass It On"

• Electrician: "Send The Light"

• Shopper: "Sweet Bye and Bye"

• Realtor: "I've Got a Mansion Just Over the Hilltop"

• Massage therapist: "He Touched Me"

• Doctor: "The Great Physician"

• Drivers: "God Will Take Care of You" (45 mph), "Nearer My God to Thee" (65 mph), "This World Is Not My Home" (85 mph), "Lord, I'm Coming Home" (95 mph), "Precious Memories" (100 mph).

How Adam got Eve

From James Hoffer:

Adam was hanging around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked him, "What's wrong with you?"

Adam said he did not have anyone to talk to.

God said that he was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.

God said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing she will wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will praise you. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"

God replied, "An arm and a leg."

Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

Multiple choice

John T. Sargent says the next five contributions were sayings handed down by his parents.

On mules we find two legs behind

And two we find before.

We stand behind before we find,

What the two behind be for.

While we're behind the two behind

We find what they be for,

So stand before the two behind

And behind the two before.

•••

Part I:

Nice night

In June.

Stars shine.

Big moon.

In park

On bench

With girl

In clench.

Me say

Me love.

She coo

Like dove.

Wedding bells

Ring, ring.

Honeymoon

Everything.

Part II:

'Nother night

In June.

Stars shine

Big moon.

Ain't happy

No more.

Carry baby

Walk floor.

Wife mad.

She fuss.

Me mad.

Me cuss.

Me just

Think that

Life one

Big spat.

Me realize

At last

Me too

Darn fast.

•••

He who thinks by the inch and talks by the yard should be kicked by the foot.

•••

A vacation is a succession of 2's. It consists of 2 weeks that are 2 short. Afterward, you are 2 tired to return 2 work and 2 broke not 2.

•••

I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.

Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.