News flash
Have you heard we're right in the middle of the Merry Thanksgivoween season, celebrated Sept. 1 through Jan. 1?
If you have cobwebs hanging from the Christmas lights you never took down, you're pretty much covered for the rest of the year.
Quickies
Q: Why did the ghost starch her sheet?
A: She wanted everyone to be scared stiff.
Q: What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost?
A: Bamboo.
Q: What do ghosts eat for breakfast?
A: Scream of wheat.
Q: What do ghosts eat for dinner?
A: Spook-ghetti.
Q: What do ghosts eat for dessert?
A: Ice scream.
Q: What do you call a ghost's mother and father?
A: Transparents.
Trick-or-treater, what's your sign?
Aries pushes the others aside to get to the door first.
Taurus will eat only the finest Swiss chocolates.
Gemini goes around the neighbourhood once, changes costumes and goes around again.
Cancer stays at home and gives candy to the other trick-or-treaters.
Leos plan their costume for months, then won't go out because someone else had the same idea.
Virgo wears a neatly pressed suit and tells everyone he's a bookkeeper.
Libra is still standing in front of the closet trying to decide on a costume.
Scorpio isn't in it for the candy.
Sagittarius will manage to wander to the next town.
Capricorn makes a list of all the houses that give good candy and the optimal route to take.
Aquarius builds the costume out of spare flashlights and spends all night tinkering when it shorts.
Pisces skips the whole thing to compose poetry to the moon.
Couple of nuts
On the outskirts of town was a big old pecan tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucket with pecans and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
"One for you, and one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy.
A few nuts dropped and rolled against the fence while the boys went through this ritual, but they decided they'd retrieve them all when they were through dividing them.
About this time, another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."
Being a superstitious sort, he just knew what it was.
"Oh my," he shuddered, "it's Satan and the Lord dividing the souls at the cemetery."
He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend, he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
"Come here quick," said the boy, "You won't believe what I just heard. Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up souls."
The man said, "Beat it, kid. Can't you see it's hard for me to walk?"
When the boy insisted, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me. "
The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been telling the truth! Let's see the devil himself."
Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought-iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of Satan. At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That's all.
"Now let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done."
They say the old guy made it back to town five minutes before the boy.
Speed demons
Two guys left the bar after a long night of drinking, jumped in the car and started it up.
After a couple of minutes, an old man appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly.
The passenger screamed, "Look at the window. There's an old ghost's face there!"
The driver sped up, but the old man's face stayed in the window.
The passenger rolled his window down partway and, scared out of his wits, said, "What do you want?"
The old man softly replied, "You got any tobacco?"
The passenger handed the old man a cigarette and yelled, "Step on it," to the driver, rolling up the window in terror.
A few minutes later, they calmed down and started laughing again.
The driver said, "I don't know what happened, but don't worry; the speedometer says we're doing 80 now."
All of a sudden there was a light tapping on the window and the old man reappeared.
"There he is again," the passenger yelled.
He rolled down the window and shakily said, "Yes?"
"Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asked.
The passenger threw a lighter out the window saying, "Step on it!"
They were driving about 100 miles an hour, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden there came some more tapping.
"Oh my God! He's back!" The passenger rolled down the window and screamed in stark terror, "WHAT NOW?"
The old man gently replied, "You want some help getting out of the mud?"
Moody like the wolf
The Wolf Man comes home one day from a long day at the office.
"How was work, dear?" his wife asks.
"Listen! I don't want to talk about work!" he shouts.
"OK. Would you like to sit down and eat a nice home-cooked meal?" she asks nicely.
"Listen!" he shouts again. "I'm not hungry! I don't wanna eat, all right! Is that all right with you? Can I come home from work and just do my own thing without you forcing food down my throat? Huh?"
With that, the Wolf Man starts growling and throwing things around the house in a mad rage.
Looking out the window, his wife sees a full moon and says to herself, "Well, I guess it's that time of the month."
Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including websites and reader submissions. Origins are included when known.