There has been enormous outcry recently over a video showing NFL player Ray Rice knocking his then-fiancee Janay unconscious, then dragging her off an elevator. In the midst of the coverage, Ray and Janay appeared at a press conference side by side, and it became clear she had no intention of leaving him, which set off a whole new barrage on social media asking why in the world she would stay.
It is estimated that every nine seconds a woman is beaten in this country. The latest research indicates that 85 percent of reported cases of domestic violence are men against women. These relationships are often characterized by intense jealousy, controlling behavior, denial and blame, intimidation, coercion and threats and isolation.
According to statistics from the Rape, Abuse, Incest National Network:
• About 50 percent of men who assault their partners also assault their children.
• As many as 10 million children witness domestic violence annually.
• Men and women engage in comparable levels of abuse and control, though women are more likely to use emotional manipulation whereas men use sexual coercion and physical dominance.
According to Dr. David M. Allen, professor of psychiatry emeritus at the University of Tennessee Health Science Center, it is important to realize that not all abusers were abused as children, and that many, if not most, people who are abused do not go on to become abusers themselves. However, child abuse is most likely the single largest risk factor -- biological, psychological or sociocultural -- for later adult abusive behavior.
Allen states that significant family dysfunction is almost always present in the backgrounds of repetitive abusers. These dysfunctional patterns often do not stop when abused children grow up.
Why would someone stay in an abusive relationship? Fear, reliance on the abusive partner, pressure and conflicting emotions are all factors.
"The reason many of these victims stay is because they are brainwashed to believe that the violence is their fault, that they cannot survive without their abuser and that they are too stupid, too ugly or too unfit to be a good employee, wife, friend or mother," says Charlotte Boatwright, president of the Chattanooga Area Domestic Violence Coalition.
What can you do if you have a friend in an abusive relationship? Here are some tips:
• Recognize the abuse. Help your friend see that what is happening is not normal. Healthy relationships revolve around mutual respect, trust and consideration for the other person. Unhealthy relationships are characterized by intense jealousy and controlling behavior, which could include physical, emotional or sexual abuse.
• Support your friend's strength. Acknowledge the things she does to take care of herself.
• Help your friend with a safety plan. There are resources available in our community to keep victims of domestic violence safe. Tell your friend you are concerned for her safety and the safety of her children. Encourage her to get help as soon as possible. Give her the phone number to the domestic violence hotline -- 423-755-2700. Tell her that, when she is ready to leave, you will be there for her.
• Be a good listener. Be non-judgmental.
"Never underestimate the power and encouragement of a friend," says Boatwright. "Sometimes all a victim needs is permission to seek help."
Julie Baumgardner is president and CEO of First Things First. Contact her at julieb@firstthings.org.