Ah, Spring...The clocks have sprung forward. The cherry blossoms should be blooming any day now. A young man's fancy has turned to love. And, me and my Bulldog brethren are once again cross referencing our roster with the latest copy of "Just Busted" magazine in an attempt to calculate the rate of gridiron attrition.
Some annual traditions are better than others.
9er, on a sliding scale of double entendre usage, I'm closer to Benny Hill than Shakespeare. I think Dorothy Parker nailed it though when she said: "You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think." Parker also asked: What's the difference between an enzyme and a hormone? You can't hear an enzyme. Dorothy was the Jordan of double entendre.
Stew, is there any truth to the rumor that LeBron has inked a big deal with the Luzianne Tea Company to do commercials for them? I'm taking my tea bags to South Beach...
And as Dorothy Parker stated..."I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy."
JMC, that's my bad. I missed it when potentate Jay issued his prime directive concerning the former Heisman winner and double murder suspect who shall remain nameless from this point forward. Ignorance of the law is no excuse. I shall take my punishment like a man. I'm envisioning a Clockwork Orange scenario in which Jay forces me to watch the tip-drill gone wrong touchdown at the end of last season's Georgia-Auburn game on a consecutive loop.
THANK YOU SIR, MAY I HAVE ANOTHER!
The good news for Eric Decker is he, just like ZZ Top, "Just Got Paid." The bad news is he will be playing for the J-E-T-S who have Geno Smith at signal caller. Sitting behind Geno at second on the depth chart is a Jugs Machine. Mark Sanchez can't be bothered as he is in a Manhattan nightclub explaining to an aspiring model/actress that the butt fumble was not his fault. And for the record, the Jugs Machine is in no way affiliated with Juggs Magazine.
I can't help but notice that O.J. Simpson is getting no love in the initialed name Rushmore discussion. Man, you brutally murder two people (allegedly) and it's like everyone forgets that you rushed for over 2,000 yards in 1973. Tough crowd.
Jay, perhaps what I did was in the realm of duplicitous meanings, but I was going for double entendre. I think I fell just short and ended up only achieving a single entendre. There's nothing sneaky about my juvenile sense of humor.
Yep, Wooderson was named the best actor...Funny how things work out. Next thing you know, some guy who starred as "The Bachelor" on a reality television show will be named the lead announcer for the SEC Network. They will probably pair him with that old horndog Musberger. Television gold. I suspect any shot of the girlfriend of one of the starting quarterbacks will be followed by Jesse offering her a rose while Brent grabs his crotch and says "Hey honey, I gotta stem for ya right here!" Paul Finebaum will be to busy stirring up trouble between the Alabama and Auburn fans to notice any of it.
On the subject of television and reality stars...I did see birthday boy Ron Jeremy on some awful show on VH1. He was involved in a verbal altercation with Vanilla Ice. I paid homage to Elvis and shot my television.
Rushmore of Chucks...
Chuck Yeager. Yeager never played a badass on the big screen, but he has played that role in real life for the last seventy years.
Chuck Berry. One of the founding fathers of rock & roll music.
Chuck Bednarik. The NFL has seen a lot of tough guys in its history. None tougher than Bednarik.
Chuck Norris. When ghosts go camping, they tell Chuck Norris stories.
Honorable mention goes to the real Rocky, Chuck Wepner.
Those just missing the cut are Chuck Woolery and the "chuck-and-duck" offense.
I'm intrigued by this multi-use facility King Greeson(The Scenic City Squire. The 'Nooga Nobleman. All-around righteous dude.)is proposing. Would us lowly commoners be welcome or would this be one of those highfalutin joints that turns its nose up at monster truck rallies and rasslin' shows?
What do we want...bread and circuses! When do we want it...eh, we'll get around to it.
Coach Saban is all about the safety of his players. Upon hearing that recent signee Rashaan Evans is getting the business from the war eagle crowd in his hometown of Auburn, Nick "Li'l Vladimir" Saban has amassed a collection of five-star warlords and intends to annex Lee County into the Federation of Crimson States. Saban has stated that he believes it important to protect the ethnic minority of rammer jammers from those animals in Lee County.
When reached for comment, Gus Malzhan said: "Oh, Crimea river!" In response, Saban said: "I am strong like bull...I must break you."
UGA Athletics Director Greg McGarity is pushing for the SEC to lighten the rules concerning artificial noise in stadiums during football games. I genuinely hate to say this, but I believe the gameday experience in college football stadiums in going the route of NBA basketball games. At even the slightest break in the action, expect to have some "pump-up" song blaring at deafening decibels. With that comes young ladies with T-shirt cannons, mascot races, strobe light effects on the jumbotron, and the annoying distraction du jour. Since this is meant as an appeal to the younger demographic, perhaps AD McGarity might consider going full-on Chuck E. Cheese and invest in a group of live animated hillbilly bears that play in a jug band at Sanford Stadium. Somewhere in the midst of all the whirring sounds and shiny things that jingle, there will be a football game going on.
Concur with JMC on Tim Wilson. His analysis of different southern accents was as spot on as any I have heard. And his Bobby Bowden impersonation was money. "Coach, five of your players went to Belk and stole all of the shirts in the men's department." "They did...They did, but they're good kids from good families...They're good kids."
Jay, a tip of the cap on your write-up about Steve Elkington and his Twitter habit. I concur with everything you wrote. I would add one point, if Elkington or anyone else takes the time to type a message and send it out for the yucks and chuckles of his followers he should own it. I despise this process of sending out a message on social media and then at the slightest sign of backlash deleting the message and making lame excuses for your earlier statements. If Elkington wants to be the cringe inducing drunk uncle that still rails about the "coloreds" and "queers"...He has every right to be that guy. What he must understand is that the Earth is moving under his feet. Society is evolving and leaving his ilk in the rearview mirror. If you choose the ways of a bygone era, enjoy the view from your little corner of the world but don't whine about the present and future moving on without you.
Or this could all be a ruse orchestrated by the liberal media, The Illuminati, one-world government types, and The Freemasons to bring about social revolution via the medium of a professional golfer's Twitter account. Look alive folks...They're out to get you.