published Thursday, November 7th, 2013

Laugh Lines

DAVE LETTERMAN'S TOP 10

Top 10 least frightening horror films:

• 10. "The Texas Chainsaw Manufacturer"

• 9. "Paralegal Activity"

• 8. "The Thingy"

• 7. "Charlie Rose's Interview With the Vampire"

• 6. "It Came From Hygiene, Colorado"

• 5. "The Amityville Hors D'Oeuvre"

• 4. "Lee Daniels' The Birds"

• 3. "Pet Seminary"

• 2. "The Tex-Mexorcist"

• 1. "Jawsy Boys"

Source: "Late Show With David Letterman"

Wery vell

Two men were debating whether Hawaii is pronounced "HaVaii" or "HaWaii."

They asked a passer-by, who answered, "Havaii."

"Thank you," said the satisfied first man.

"You're velcome," replied the passer-by.

Low beams

Two Canadian guys, Mike and Rob, were on the roof, laying tile, when a sudden gust of wind came and knocked down their ladder.

"I have an idea," said Mike. "We'll throw you down, and then you can pick up the ladder."

"What, do you think I'm stupid?" asked Rob. "I have an idea. I'll shine my flashlight, and you can climb down on the beam of light."

"What, do you think I'm stupid?" said Mike. "You'll just turn off the flashlight when I'm halfway there."

Pickups, letdowns

Some handy responses to cheesy pickup lines:

• Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?

• Woman: Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore.

• Man: Is this seat empty?

• Woman: Yes, and this one will be, too, if you sit down.

• Man: So, wanna go back to my place ?

• Woman: Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?

• Man: Your place or mine?

• Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

• Man: I'd like to call you. What's your number?

• Woman: It's in the phone book.

• Man: But I don't know your name.

• Woman: That's in the phone book, too.

• Man: So what do you do for a living?

• Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

• Man: Hey, baby, what's your sign?

• Woman: Do not enter.

• Man: I know how to please a woman.

• Woman: Then please leave me alone.

Man: I want to give myself to you.

• Woman: Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.

• Man: I can tell that you want me.

• Woman: You're so right. I do want you … to leave.

• Man: Your body is like a temple.

• Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

• Man: I'd go through anything for you.

• Woman: Good! Let's start with your bank account.

• Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.

• Woman: Yes, but would you stay there?

Got bath?

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her more beautiful, so she left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door, and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 1.5 gallons?"

The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons of milk. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath".

The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"

The blonde said, "No, just up to my boobs."

Gorilla hunter

A man calls Animal Control to get a crazed gorilla off his roof. A van pulls up and an old man gets out, carrying a small dog, a baseball bat and a gun. He hands the man the gun.

"OK, here's what we do. I'm going to go up onto your roof and threaten the gorilla with this baseball bat until he falls down. When he falls down, this little dog will bite him in the groin until he's incapacitated."

"Great," says the man, "but what's the gun for?"

"If I fall down instead of the gorilla, shoot the dog."

Biggest liar

The minister was passing a group of young teens sitting on the church lawn and stopped to ask what they were doing.

"Nothing much, pastor," replied one lad. "We were just seeing who can tell the biggest lie about their sex life."

"Boys! Boys! Boys!" the preacher admonished. "I'm shocked. Why, when was your age, I never even thought about sex at all."

The boys all laughed and said, "You win, pastor!"

Dingaling

A priest walking through the neighborhood notices a young boy on his tiptoes trying to press a doorbell across the street. Although he is trying very hard, the boy is not tall enough to reach the doorbell.

After watching the boy's efforts for a moment, the priest walks across the street, up the steps to the porch, comes up behind the little fellow and lifts him up a couple feet. The boy giggles as he gives the bell a solid ring.

Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"

With a mischievous grin, the boy replies, "Now we run!"

Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.

about Lisa Denton...

Lisa Denton is deputy features editor and content editor of Current. She previously was a lifestyle, entertainment and region reporter/pod leader for The Chattanooga Times, which she joined in 1983. Lisa is from Sale Creek and holds an associate’s degree in journalism from Chattanooga State Community College. Contact Lisa at 423-757-6281 or ldenton@timesfreepress.com.

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