PunchLines

Dave Letterman's Top 10

Top 10 excuses for missing Thanksgiving dinner with your family (from 2013 archives) 10. "Thanksgiving? We did that last year." 9. "The flight I never booked was canceled." 8. "Not comfortable with Grandma and Grandpa's open marriage." 7. "Still serving that life sentence." 6. "Too thankful to leave the house." 5. "Saving strength for our Christmas screaming match." 4. "Obamacare website screwed up my car rental." 3. "Couldn't think of a costume." 2. "I prefer the food at the strip club." 1. "When I agreed to attend I was high on crack." Source: "Late Show With David Letterman"

Wing it

A poultry farmer was experimenting to breed turkeys with more legs for greater profits. Finally, he succeeded.

He raved to his friends, "I've done it. I've done it. I finally bred a turkey with six legs!"

"That's wonderful news," said one. "How does it taste?"

The man said, "I don't know. I haven't been able to catch it."

Quotes of note

"Thanksgiving, when the Indians said, 'Well, this has been fun, but we know you have a long voyage back to England." - Jay Leno

"You know that just before that first Thanksgiving dinner there was one wise, old Native American woman saying, 'Don't feed them. If you feed them, they'll never leave.'" - Dylan Brody

"When I was a kid in Indiana, we thought it would be fun to get a turkey a year ahead of time and feed it and so on for the following Thanksgiving. But by the time Thanksgiving came around, we sort of thought of the turkey as a pet, so we ate the dog. Only kidding. It was the cat." - David Letterman

"Thanksgiving dinners take 18 hours to prepare. They are consumed in 12 minutes. [Football] halftimes take 12 minutes. This is not coincidence." - Erma Bombeck

"Thanksgiving is the day when you turn to another family member and say, 'How long has Mom been drinking like this?' My Mom, after six Bloody Marys, looks at the turkey and goes, 'Here, kitty, kitty.'" - David Letterman

"At Thanksgiving, my mom always makes too much food, especially one item, like 700 or 800 pounds of sweet potatoes. She's got to push it during the meal. 'Did you get some sweet potatoes? There's sweet potatoes. They're hot. There's more in the oven, some more in the garage. The rest are at the Johnsons'.'" - Louie Anderson

"You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out." - Jay Leno

"Thanksgiving is an emotional time. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often." - Johnny Carson

"Coexistence ... what the farmer does with the turkey - until Thanksgiving." - Mike Connolly

"What we're really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?" - Erma Bombeck

"An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day." - Irv Kupcinet

Thigh master

A Thanksgiving toast attributed to poet Owen K. Lorion.

May your stuffing be tasty

May your turkey plump,

May your potatoes and gravy

Have nary a lump.

May your yams be delicious

And your pies take the prize,

And may your Thanksgiving dinner

Stay off your thighs!

Marketing

A small-business owner was dismayed when a new corporate chain much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign that read: Best Black Friday Deals.

He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading: Lowest Black Friday Prices.

The businessman panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop. It read: Main Entrance.

Making sense of the season

Eileen Wacker, author of the award-winning children's books The Fujimini Adventure Series and the upcoming book for women, "The Moms Code," has written the following essay she's calling 10 Tips for Moms To Survive the Holidays.

We all know it's the most wonderful time of the year. But there is so much pressure to create perfect moments and memories, give the perfect gift, remember and connect with friends and loved ones. Quite frankly, the holidays are exhausting. And with four kids, who have end of year parties, secret Santas, holiday concerts and a last push on schoolwork before the break, any mom is tempted to hold up the white flag. And then, they have the dreaded wish lists (demand lists disguised as wishes). So I have compiled a list of things I will try to do to make the holiday less cluttered so I can savor the moments with my family.

To start I will tell the kids:

Santa is on a cleansing diet so he can fit in his big red suit so he's not available for any requests yet. And he doesn't want us making him any cookies or treats of any kind.

The Elf on the Shelf is planning to be extra naughty this year so you'd better bring your A game and best behavior if there are going to be any presents in this house.

Then show your kids a picture of mass chaos (like the day apple starts selling the iPhone 6) and say, "All these people are in line for unlimited texting, so I don't think it's in the cards for you anytime soon."

Don't feel guilty for giving your kids exactly what they ask for. You shouldn't be creative in finding the perfect gift. Your only reward will be giant teardrops.

Buy your own gifts this year, then wrap them up and put them in your husband's closet. When he sees them, just say, "You're welcome," and walk out. And when your husband says the same thing he says every year, "Don't get me anything. I don't need anything and don't want to spend the money," take him up on it for once. Give him a hammer and a list of chores.

Don't under any circumstances buy into the notion that Black Friday is a "must" shopping day. You will never complete your shopping as you will be run over by crazy moms on a mission using shopping carts as weapons. And the sales will continue into the season anyway.

Don't feel guilty about having a nicer outfit and shoes than your child. They don't really want to wear them anyway. And have good hair and nails and get in the photos. Photo-bombing makes you feel young! So be ready and create those opportunities.

Secretly create the hashtag #secretsantasucks. Grab a glass of wine each night, vent anonymously and read all the other comments. This will help you appear sane through the holiday mayhem.

When your children are exhausted and arguing, it is understandable. They've just executed a fall schedule that could kill a rhinoceros. Create holiday cheer coupons and give them each one worth a dollar if they can change the fight into merriment on the spot. It's like a dollar value menu for moms.

Buy baked items at the gourmet grocery store. Recut them and place them in a beautiful box with a sprinkle of powered sugar. If it's for a class party, add raspberries on the side.

I actually love the holidays, a time of thanks and reconnection. But having a few tricks up my sleeve will leave me freed up and filed with holiday cheer.

Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.

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