An adult told my son they didn't believe him last week. Here's what happened.
Long story short, he did something he wasn't supposed to do, and he said it was "an accident." It wasn't anything life-threatening or catastrophic, but he didn't want to get in trouble. Instead of admitting he was guilty, he lied about it. The adult in charge didn't feel like it was an accident and wanted my son to know they didn't like to be lied to.
A few hours later, my son told me all about what happened. He started the conversation by asking, "Mom, am I a bad kid?" And ended it with the statement, "I guess some people love me and some people never will." (Insert shocked emoji here.)
How did this situation spur an existential and relational crisis in my 5-year-old?
As parents and caregivers, we desire to raise honest and trustworthy children. However, it's important to understand that kids are going to lie. Research by Kang Lee, a developmental psychologist at the University of Toronto, suggests that lying is developmentally appropriate and children will begin experimenting with it between the ages of 2 and 3. Lying is not a developed moral deficiency in our children, but they are looking for our guidance and support.
Here's an example that puts "lying" in context for me. If you bring a puppy home, you know it's going to struggle with using the bathroom in the house. This is developmentally appropriate. Puppy trainers will tell you the best thing you can do to make sure your dog is "housebroken" is to take them outside at regular intervals and praise them ecstatically when they use the bathroom in the appropriate place. If they have an accident inside, say, "Uh-oh! You went potty! Let's go outside to go potty." Immediately take them out. If you shame them, strike them or yell at them, they'll more than likely continue to use the bathroom inside, but they'll find secretive places to do so or they'll hide from you altogether.
Similarly, when it comes to teaching children how to avoid lying, we have to show them how to speak the truth and encourage them to do so. Shaming them, guilting them or yelling at them will increase the behavior. Fortunately, there are many positive parenting strategies that are evidence-based and provide parents with a framework to build trust and open communication with their children.
1. Nurture a secure attachment. Research on attachment theory conducted by psychologists John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth shows how a secure attachment provides a foundation of trust and emotional security, which encourages honesty and open communication between parent and child. By fostering a warm and supportive relationship, you create a safe space where your child feels comfortable expressing themselves truthfully. This doesn't mean they'll never lie, but it does mean they'll feel better about telling you the truth when asked.
2. Regularly talk about emotions and how to process them in a healthy way. Children may lie to avoid negative emotions such as shame, guilt or fear of punishment. Teaching children healthy ways to manage their emotions reduces the likelihood of resorting to lying as a coping mechanism. Research by James J. Gross and Ross A. Thompson highlights the importance of emotion regulation skills in promoting honesty and moral development in children. Encourage your child to express their feelings openly, especially with you and other trustworthy adults in their lives.
3. Encourage empathy by working through different people's perspectives. Empathy plays a crucial role in moral development and honesty. Research by Martin L. Hoffman and Nancy Eisenberg demonstrates that fostering empathy helps children understand the impact of their actions on others, reducing the likelihood of deceptive behavior. Encourage your child to consider how their lies may affect others and promote empathy by modeling compassionate behavior in your interactions.
4. Problem-solve together. Involve your child in finding solutions to address the underlying reasons for their lying behavior. Research by Wendy S. Grolnick and Richard M. Ryan emphasizes the importance of autonomy-supportive parenting, where children are encouraged to participate in decision-making processes. By collaborating with your child to identify alternative ways to handle challenging situations, you empower them to make honest choices and take responsibility for their actions.
5. Respond instead of react. If you catch your child in a lie, try not to react with anger, shame and guilt. Instead, get curious. Ask why they didn't feel like they could tell the truth. Let them know they will never be in trouble for telling the truth and that no matter what the situation is, you two can work through it together. Remember, children tend to internalize between the ages of 3 and 7, meaning the words you use could have a lasting impact on your relationship with them and the way they see themselves.
6. Seek professional help when necessary. If lying persists despite your best efforts, or if other concerning behaviors accompany it, don't hesitate to seek guidance from a pediatrician, counselor or therapist. Professional support can offer additional insights and strategies tailored to your child's specific needs.
Lying is an important part of child development. However, the way we as parents and caregivers deal with our child's lying is more important than the action itself. Remember, patience, empathy and curiosity are key as you navigate this journey of fostering truthfulness in your child.
Lauren Hall is president and CEO of family advocacy nonprofit First Things First. Email her at lauren@firstthings.org.